Dear Chevre,
I have been doing some major, personal, internal, spiritual work lately. My wife and I found ourselves in a position of a very, very long niddah period (with no birth to announce its coming). As of now we're holding at 5 weeks, but G-d willing it will be over shortly.
I have to concede to the Big Guy though, it has been uplifting in a way (not that I'd have chosen it, obviously), which was of course His purpose, or part of it. I didn't think I was going to survive. There were days when I wanted to jump off a cliff. I was going out of my mind.
Maybe you remember from my previous posts that there's this one girl nearby who really gets to me. I davened not to see her. I was terrified of what might happen if circumstances turned against me. But Hashem is kind. I davened very sincerely that He should keep that girl away from me. (I wouldn't even mention her name in my prayers, so as to think about it less.) I was terrified she'd show up at my door one day asking for a cup of sugar or something.
And then I saw a Rashi on the bottom of Sanhedrin 31b. Mar Ukva (one of the earliest amoraim) says Rashi, was a baal teshuva. He relates that Mar Ukva had set his eyes upon a certain married woman. His heart was filled with lust for her. He was so desirous of her that he actually fell ill. (Sound familiar, anyone?) Came a time when she was forced to borrow money from him. Out of her financial pressures, she consented to him. Mar Ukva then conquered his desire and sent her away with a generous loan in peace. Incredible! He regained his health, and from then on, his face emitted a heavenly glow comparable to that of Moses! UNBELIEVABLE!!!
This story hit me like a ton of bricks. This is the very situation I have dreaded - that she should show up at my door and need me for something. I believed that if that happened I would screw up in a very bad way, or else have a nervous breakdown. And here G-d has shown me that it's not the case. We can choose G-d even in the most difficult times.
These past few weeks have been tough. But I have been thinking about things I've learned on this site and elsewhere, things about me. And I've noticed gradual changes. I worked on turning my mind from any kinds of fantasies to just thoughts about my wife. As a cumulative result of it all, I've found that I am having less fantasies about non-wife people. And in fact, when I do, it's not hard at all for me to tap into a feeling of disgust about the thought. After all, we all know that intimacy with one's wife is meant to also be a spiritual endeavor, whereas with the girl down the street it would just be animalistic desire. So I've managed to bring that idea down from my head into my heart, just a little bit. It's a terrific feeling.
Another upshot of this, is that it's been easier working on shmiras einayim. I really feel that it's a disrespect to my wife and that it's just gross.
I don't imagine that there will never be any challenges, any steps back, but I really feel I've made progress. I've come to believe that I can live a normal life in a world where lust is everywhere. It's heartening. (Oh, and p**nography doesn't even get off the ground with me right now. Early on I had some urges - now I can actually feel gross about it. What a change.)
As the end of this big 5 week nisayon approaches, G-d threw me a bone. He showed me this Rashi, encouraging me with the rewards of overcoming the yetzer. I could hardly have imagined a more relevant story to me than the one Rashi brings about Mar Ukva. I nearly cried in the beis medrash when I read it.
I hope this will encourage some of you too. I'm glad there are people with whom I can share this. Continued hatzlacha to all in your holy endeavors!