Shacharis. Shabbos morning. I'm not really feeling it. My mind wanders... before I know it, I'm holding by birchos krias sh'ma which speaks of the holy angels who praise Hashem..." It dawns on me, hey, does Hashem really need me? What am I, one small creature in a huge universe with billions of people, trillions of animals and other creatures? Do I really matter when he has myriads of holy angels who praise Him all day?!
Does He really need the simple words of praise coming from a lowly, perverted addict who has acted out thousands of times?
And besides, why mention all this praise from such high and awesome angels, what relevance does it really have--if any--to my prayers?
Suddenly, amidst the thoughts, it dawns upon me, "how exactly did I--who has been acting out for years and who has tried hundreds of times to stop--finally gain some sobriety from this destructive life I was living? Why am I so much happier now? What made me finally chance upon GYE where I found such renewed hope? I mean, just a couple of months ago I was acting out at every possible chance I had, hiding and living a life of lies, feeling so uncomfortable to show my face, which just minutes before was glued to my iPhone getting its hourly/daily dose of schmutz!
How can I explain that suddenly I see a brighter future in store for me? (Yes, I may fall again, and I am the same person with the same lusts I had then, nothing has changed. But the difference is that now I know I'm on a path of recovery, a path of healing, and there's real hope).
How did all this happen? Was it not that Hashem, King of all kings, has lowered himself from his holy and exalted chambers to pick up a filthy, good for nothing from the filthy slums? I guess I DO matter, He IS thinking of me. "Ahavas olam ahavtanu..." ("You have loved us with everlasting love") the words become alive, yes, He, the Creator of everything, melech malchai hamlachim who is "rom v'nisa, godol v'nora", and to whom such exalted angels "seraphim, v'chayos v'oifany hakodesh..." sing the most magnificent praises, has chosen to "lower himself" (kavi'yachol) to lift up from the dirt His children, a nation which fell so low in the depths of tumahs mitzrayim "ervas ha'aretz". "Chemla gedola viseira chomalto aleinu..." Out of His bountiful mercy he unties the knot, the meitzarim (restraints) that His dear child has tied himself into, and He personally cleans him off from his filth.
"Vekairavtanu malkeinu...", with deep emotion in my heart, my eyes start to well up with tears... Thank you Hashem for holding my hand and guiding me out of this pit of lust and hiding that I climbed into so many years ago... and please help the rest of your children who want so much to break free but just find it too difficult...
"Baruch ato...Habocher b'amo yisroel b'ahava..."