Dear everyone, thank you all for your care and concern - and most of all - your love. Yesterday was Sunday, which is my hardest day, as I am usually alone in the office. Well, by the time I had finished with the Chizuk email and reading through all your replies in my thread, I could not even THINK of looking at anything inappropriate.
This morning, I listened to a Shiur about Chanuka from Rabbi Akiva Tatz. (The shiur can be found here).
Here's a quote from the Shiur:
"Darkness brings a natural fear. Not the fear of being attacked, but the fear of being alone. One who is spiritually developed does not fear being alone. On the contrary, he feels a tremendous thrill in being alone. The Greeks extinguished that. Western culture is afraid to be alone. The Jewish idea of meditation is not to switch off and relax, but to switch on the real mind and connect. We are supposed to do this at least three times a day."
Which made me think: Why do I/we find davening so hard? It is because we are so uncomfortable being alone.
And this is also one of the major triggers for the addiction. We need to try to feel Hashem more, and stop fearing loneliness.