I heard something nice from the Ktav Sofer that explains some of my behavior after my fall this week.
When Yaakov goes down to Egypt and finally sees Yosef, it says "va'yevch al tzavarav od," that Yosef cried on Yaakov's neck. Rashi explains that the word 'od' means that he cried more than the regular amount.
The Ktav Sofer explains that Yosef cried double, for 2 reasons. The first being the obvious and natural cry of joy, for reuniting with his father after all those years. The second though, was a cry of sadness, for all the years that he missed the guidance of his father.
But why was he crying over the missed years now? That part his life was done with! If anything, he should have cried davka when Yaakov was NOT there!
The Ktav Sofer answers that only when Yosef saw Yaakov again could he really understand what he missed out on all those years. You see, all the years of separation made Yosef forget about how much he would have gained from his father. He had become numb, unable to understand the greatness of Yaakov. Only now, when Yosef once again realized what was lacking in his life, could he cry.
Similarly, the Jewish people will shed tears of sadness with the coming of Moshiach."Im lo a'aleh et Yerushalayim al rosh simchati" - The "rosh simcha" of the coming of the Moshiach is when we will fully understand how terrible the galus has been, and how much we were lacking by not having Yerushalayim.
This hit home for me because I cried over a sin for the first time in my life after my fall this week. I've always felt terrible about my falls, and it always bothered me why I couldn't cry.
Based on this Ktav Sofer, I see that over the past 8 years the Yetzer Harah had me in his clutches, and he made me numb to the feeling of kedusha and tahara. I had forgotten what it meant to live a life of purity.
Thank God, I was zocheh to 74 days of cleanliness. And the feelings came back.