Just sometimes, but more frequently lately, the pain, loneliness and restlessness become overbearing, and it is then that I desire to leave this empty world of "hevel varik", and be next to the kisei hakavod.
Your desire to be next to the Kisei Hakavod is your soul speaking... It is yearning for Hashem. And that is perhaps the underlying reason that you have this addiction. You are more spiritually sensitive than most people. Your soul has such strong yearnings for Hashem, so it seeks to fill it with whatever is available... But you should know that Hashem has no use for you near the Kisai Hakavod now. If He did, he would bring you there. He is sitting in the stands watching you play the game called "Life" and cheering you on. If He'd pull you out now, He wouldn't have what to really be proud of you, and you'd be ashamed to face Him. Instead, keep playing your best, keep looking to the stands and watching Him wave and smile to you... And when the game is over, He'll come down out of the stands to greet you and give you the biggest, most loving hug you could imagine. And He'll tell you over and over how proud He is of you and say, "wow, what a tough game you played!" And then you'll be shining with joy and fall into His loving embrace forever...
Hashem's love for you is total, unconditional and never ending. If any'one' wants only what's best for you, its Him.
I have no idea why he tests you the way He does and won't pretend to understand His ways. Whatever the reason though, one thing is for certain, He knows that this is for your eventual good.
Think of your own precious little children. On the most basic level, a child instinctively loves and trusts his parents. This only changes if the parents do something to destroy that. But assuming it is a healthy relationship, the child is willing to trust his life to his parents because he knows how much they love him. Now picture this: one day the mother takes her sweet little son to the doctors office. He isn't sick, but its time for a vaccination. BECAUSE she loves him, she allows the doctor to cause him pain and stick a painful needle into him! She is mature enough to realize that the pain of the needle is necessary, and far outweighs the pain of ch'v the illness itself. Yes it hurts her to see her son cry, and even more so, when he looks up with tear-filled eyes and accusing look on his face, "Mommy, why did you let him do that to me? Why are you hurting me?" But 10 minutes later, when the shot is a fading memory, that same little boy loves his Mommy just as much as he did earlier. Their relationship has been established long before and his doesn't question her love, or even the need to hurt him.
Take this one step further. When the doctor delivers the shot and the little boy starts crying, who's shoulder does he automatically bury his head in?? He doesn't run AWAY from his Mother because she allowed it, he runs TOO her!! He knows she is the ultimate source of comfort no matter what.
Think this through and relate it to your relationship with HKB"H. Your Tatty is hurting so much for you.
Sitting by the kisei hakavod is not an automatic once we leave this world. It's our reward for having trusted our Tatty for 120 years that there is a reason for all the pain and seemingly bad things He sends our way.
In the meantime, run TO HIM for comfort. He gives the most awesome hugs once you've learnt how to recognize them!