In a standard machlokes (disagreement) between rashi and tosfos, it is often surprising at first when they take such different views on one halacha - see kriat shma (brachos 2b) or tefillin (menachos 62a) for some examples. How do we understand how two gedolim, from the same world of Torah, can come to such opposite conclusions? The answer is always that they are simply approaching the Halacha from different perspectives, emphasizing different aspects of the din.
I have decided to ask the same question about the machlokes in my mind (Lehavdil). How can it be that one part of me so badly wants to act out and give in (over and over and over again) and the other part of me is so horrified by the idea? The answer must be - different perspectives; i.e. that different parts of me are emphasizing different things.
The machlokes in my mind is between the half of me that focuses on 'action' and the half of me that focuses on 'being'. The part of me that wants to act out thinks that it will be enjoyable and amazing. But there is another part of me that does not focus its desires on action at all. It desires that I BE a certain kind of person and that I have a certain type of identity. In other words, it is a machlokes between what I DO and what I AM... and unfortunately, acting out completely contradicts who I want to BE or who I hope I AM.
So which one do I choose, who do I listen to? Do I care more about what I DO and how much I enjoy it, or should I care more about who I AM and how I identify myself? I really had to think about this... it wasn't so obvious to me at first. After all, if I really do enjoy acting out, then why not just keep acting out and keep enjoying myself? Finally, it hit me: If that is what I do, then that IS who I am. Hashem commanded us to do mitzvos because only by ACTING a certain way, can we BECOME a certain person. Whether we like it or not, we are defined by what we DO.
So... when I am on my deathbed (whenever that day should come), do I simply want to be "The masturbator"? Do I want to have defined myself as someone who is engrossed in self-pleasure?
I may be an addict and a little confused at times but, Baruch Hashem, I'm not that stupid. Now that I understand this machlokes, I think I am eligible to pasken... And I pasken like the side that looks at who I AM and who I want to BE. This side has proofs from all over shas and seems pretty well backed up by achronim and rishonim. The other side has only the yezter harah... who - by the way - isn't even a rishon!