I have gotten to the point where I can occasionally understand why "normal" people view p***n as repulsive (not all the time though). I'm happy about that. However seeing pretty women on the street, even with no further thought beyond the first glance, triggers lust in my heart. It's automatic. I try a number of things to combat this, including:
Sometimes these work, but as often as not, they only works in my head and not in my heart. Does anyone else have advice?
I can't count on my fingers and toes (and I refuse to use anyone else's!) the times I have turned to look "just to see if there is anything there that I shouldn't be looking at", you know. Today though, I generally leave this "important" research for the meshuganes who are more qualified to test it than I am! Boruch Hashem I can care about myself! And as a yid, I am taught by the people on this site that by not looking I am also:
Not a bad deal. It doesn't even take a "yiddishe kop" to accept it!
A lot of folks, including me, have also found a lot of power in saying: "Tatty/Ribono shel olam/G-d/My Eternal Best Friend/Etc., Please! Whatever it is I that I am looking for in the image of that woman/man/whatever, let me find it in You". (It especially works if you really mean it!)
Another eitza I like, that helps me when davening for the true benefit of the person I am having trouble with, is to recognize that even though they are total strangers to me, I'd certainly rush to save them if they'd be stuck in a burning car or attacked by dogs, for example. If so, I can care about them. Once I recognize that I can sincerely ask Hashem to give them a true thirst for proper awareness of Him, closeness to Him, wisdom and clarity in what really matters in relationships (certainly not looks, fancy clothes and lust), Shalom bayis and good health.
Then get going with living! (as usual...what else is there?)
Be well!
Dov
My Dear Brother Ahron,
Thanks for reminding me what I need to do. My problem is, that although I have been around the SA fellowships for a few years and have heard most of the answers, I need to come to this forum and hear other people share and be reminded on a daily basis what I need to do. To answer your question Ahron, I was told by non-frum yid when I first came into recovery, that just as when I wake up in the morning I wash negel vaser and say modeh ani, or when I eat I make a Brocho; I do these things without thinking, they are second nature. Well in recovery, I am like a Ger or Baal Teshuvah (which I am), so I have to practice these techniques and keep on practicing them. There will be times when I get frustrated or when my heart is not in it, but if I keep on doing them, they will become second nature and I will not have to think about it.
I have trained myself over the years to notice triggers. I have a finely attuned lust radar in my head. It is going to take a lot of hard work to switch it off. I find that if the trigger is really bad, I will need to pick up the phone to a member of SA. When I first joined SA, if I got triggered on the street my sponsor would tell me to pick up 10 pieces of garbage off the street, and I did it. We must be willing to go to any lengths. So if all else fails, start collecting garbage!
I find that I if I am significantly triggered by a woman / fantasy, I actually have to phone someone and tell him in detail what's going on in my head. "Lust glows in the dark but dies in the light of exposure".
Once again, thanks for reminding me of the tools I need to stay clean.
London
1. I say a short Tefila before I leave the house that Hashem should help me with Shmiras Aynayim.
2. I am lucky to need glasses so I remove them when I am walking in the street.
3. I try to keep my eyes down, and when I see a female approaching I close both eyes - or at least the eye that is closest to her - until she passes (provided that I am not in the gutter). I found that I have no problem waking several steps with my eyes closed.
4. I learned in a wonderful sefer called Bakodesh Chazisicha by Rav Shaul Vidger, that says that even if you are trying to guard your eyes, the Satan deliberately pulls your eyes to where they shouldn't be. I therefore laugh it off and tell myself, "he's doing it again!".
5. I give myself chizuk after every time I pass a women without looking at her.
6. While I am walking in the street I am quietly talking to Hashem (it is not noticeable to others). You can understand how it is much harder to sin against Hashem if you are in the middle of talking to him. If you have problems talking to Hashem, I recommend that you learn the sefer Bi'sdai Hayar by Rav Sholom Arush on Tefila and Hisbodidus. (He also has an awesome sefer called B'Gan Hasholom on Shalom Bayis which I recommend to everyone).
7. The last thing is, that even if I fall I never get depressed since I know that this is a constant battle against the Yetzer Hara, and it is one of the reasons for my existence on this world. I once learned in the Tanya, that one who gets depressed because he can never eradicate his taivos is a Baal Gaiveh (haughty) because he thinks he is on the level of a Tzaddik. I also remember that my overall batting average is pretty good -- at least much better than it used to be.
Hashem should help you and all of us in this battle! Hashem gave us this web site as a Rocket Propelled Grenade to help us blow away the Samach Mem :-)