The Library

Ahron Posted on the Forum:

I have gotten to the point where I can occasionally understand why "normal" people view p***n as repulsive (not all the time though). I'm happy about that. However seeing pretty women on the street, even with no further thought beyond the first glance, triggers lust in my heart. It's automatic. I try a number of things to combat this, including:

• Thinking that they're people, not objects, and as people, I really don't know them and have no interest in them.

• Asking Hashem to grant them all the best (and then I try to move on).

• Trying to work the steps... admitting that I am powerless over lust, Hashem can deal with it though, and I am ready for him to do so.

Sometimes these work, but as often as not, they only works in my head and not in my heart. Does anyone else have advice?

Dov Responds:

I can't count on my fingers and toes (and I refuse to use anyone else's!) the times I have turned to look "just to see if there is anything there that I shouldn't be looking at", you know. Today though, I generally leave this "important" research for the meshuganes who are more qualified to test it than I am! Boruch Hashem I can care about myself! And as a yid, I am taught by the people on this site that by not looking I am also:

• making a private kiddush Hashem

• doing the mitzvah of lo sasuru, and others

• getting more freedom from lust

• getting more sanity

• buying insurance (at a reasonable price) for my marriage, fatherhood and for staying alive

• doing practically the only thing I can do today so that I may be sober tomorrow as well!

Not a bad deal. It doesn't even take a "yiddishe kop" to accept it!

A lot of folks, including me, have also found a lot of power in saying: "Tatty/Ribono shel olam/G-d/My Eternal Best Friend/Etc., Please! Whatever it is I that I am looking for in the image of that woman/man/whatever, let me find it in You". (It especially works if you really mean it!)

Another eitza I like, that helps me when davening for the true benefit of the person I am having trouble with, is to recognize that even though they are total strangers to me, I'd certainly rush to save them if they'd be stuck in a burning car or attacked by dogs, for example. If so, I can care about them. Once I recognize that I can sincerely ask Hashem to give them a true thirst for proper awareness of Him, closeness to Him, wisdom and clarity in what really matters in relationships (certainly not looks, fancy clothes and lust), Shalom bayis and good health.

Then get going with living! (as usual...what else is there?)

Be well!
Dov