Dear Neshama, you've come to the right place!
As much as reading your story was painful, it also made me smile because it is SO typical. Everyone who turns to us for help at first, thinks (and I quote your words below):
- "I feel like I don't have an ounce of self control".
- "There is not even a drop of yiras shamayim in me".
- "tips about what to do once you're lusting hasn't helped, in that minute of crazed desires, I don't want to think about anything, I want to continue".
- "when I fall, I rationalize that if I'm doing it anyway, I may as well enjoy it".
- "I keep having to start over and over"....
And that's exactly why we created the two GuardYourEyes handbooks! They answer every one of your points much better than I would be able to in one short e-mail!
Let me just say a few things quickly, before I give you the links.
1) It has nothing to do with self-control, an addiction is a spiritual disease. You need to learn the tools of how to cure this illness.
2) It also has nothing to do with Yiras Shamayim. Even the biggest Tzadikim could not control themselves when faced head-on with lust (see principle #10 in the Attitude Handbook). The trick to beating this is not to fight the lust head-on. Please read the handbooks to find out HOW.
In the GYE handbook, you'll learn all the tools you can use to break free of this addiction, and all the rest of your points are answered in the Attitude handbook as well...
May Hashem be with you!