The authors offered to answer a number of questions that our readers would send in. Here are two questions that we presented them with, along with their enlightening answers:
1) How can we stop? The world is full of it, everywhere we go. We can get around the filters and we have wi-fi and can access it anywhere with the click of a mouse. And Movies and advertisements are all full of promiscuity, the street is like walking on a beach, and the slightest triggers make a lust addict go wild. What hope does he have to stop in today's world gone mad?
Yes, we live in a world filled with commercially-driven sexual images and unprecedented easy access to pornography. We also live in a world with unprecedented amounts of and easy access to junk food. In both cases, choosing and maintaining personal health means making smart decisions about what we allow ourselves to take into our bodies - through our eyes and ears with porn - and what we choose to stay away from and reject.
In our recovery book, The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography, Larry and I outline a number of strategies that you can use when dealing with everyday temptations. These include spelling out your reasons for not using porn, developing a support network of people you can call on at anytime, reducing unexpected exposure to porn, and using specific techniques such as the "eye bounce" (described on pages 175-176 of The Porn Trap):
Hank uses what he calls an "eye bounce" whenever he unexpectedly encounters porn images or materials that remind him of porn. "My mind and my eyes instinctively go to porn because I've always gone there and they're trained to go there," he said. "So when my eyes see something sexy now, I bounce away. 'Oh there's a picture of a sexy girl,' BOUNCE, I look elsewhere. It felt strange doing this at first, but now looking away has become a new habit. The more I do it the easier it is. For most of my life I walked around with a kind of low-grade sexual fever. But lately, for the first time, it's starting to diminish and almost disappear because I'm no longer feeding it. It feels like a part of me has been set free to do other things and it's fabulous."
In porn recovery, it is also very important to learn about healthy sexuality, so you have a clear idea of how you can re-channel your natural sexual drives and needs in ways that support positive self-esteem, healthy sexual thoughts, and a satisfying sexual relationship with your spouse.
2) What does someone who is trying to quit porn do when the withdrawal symptoms set in? How does he fill the inner "void" that he used to fill with porn? Many people use it as an escape from boredom, anxiety, stress... Now that they are giving up their "drug", how do they learn to deal with all these emotions and their free-time?"
In general, the most effective way to deal with urges is to move out of isolation. Reach out and talk with someone who understands and respects what you are working to accomplish. Share the difficulty and pain that you are feeling. Talk with someone who is farther along in his recovery and can help you to normalize your reactions and get ideas for how to shift your attention into other kinds of activities and pursuits that are enjoyable and that relieve stress.
Many of our clients tell us that quitting porn is a humbling experience because you need to realize that you can't go it alone. It's about moving out of self-centeredness and letting go of the notion of "I'm in control, I can do this myself," and admitting that porn is extremely powerful and is capable of taking over your sexuality and seriously damaging your integrity, relationships and your future.
In "The Porn Trap" we have a whole chapter devoted to "Handling and Preventing Relapses." Here we explain why people relapse, how relapses progress, how to reverse a relapse, and how to prevent future relapses. It contains a powerful exercise called "If I Were to Relapse" that can help you identify and reduce thoughts, feelings and behaviors that might trigger a relapse. We also include many examples of specific changes that recovering porn users made, that reinforced new ways of dealing with emotional needs, boredom, and stress.
Wendy Maltz LCSW, DST, www.HealthySex.com