The Library

Dear Friends at Guardureyes,

Given the work you are doing in helping people with pornography problems, we thought you would like to know about our new recovery book:

THE PORN TRAP:
THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO OVERCOMING PROBLEMS CAUSED BY PORNOGRAPHY (Collins/HarperCollins, hardcover, 2008).

We wrote this book to fill the need for a comprehensive resource for people who are struggling with personal and relationship issues related to pornography, and it discusses numerous strategies for "Getting Motivated to Quit Porn." While "THE PORN TRAP" is written primarily for a secular audience (we are Jewish), it validates the importance of faith-based support and recovery help, and it can be used as an adjunct to the 12-step programs or faith-based programs. We see group work and these kinds of programs as extremely beneficial, because they help people come out of social isolation and learn skills for being honest, real, accountable, and to be able to learn from others.

You can also ask the people who read you daily email to send in questions for me. I would be willing to answer some of them that you choose.

Here is a short article on "Facing Your Fears" for your daily newsletter, adapted from a chapter in our book.

Identifying and Facing Your Fears

Fear is a common emotion that arises when someone tries to quit porn. When left unaddressed, it can sabotage your recovery efforts by increasing ambivalence and continually undermining your motivation. Like a nail you are unaware of in one of your car's tires, an unidentified and unaddressed fear can slow your healing journey down without your even realizing what is happening.

The idea of making any kind of major life change and facing the unknown is often initially frightening, even when we are fairly certain that the change will improve our lives. Quitting means letting go of a product that brought instant pleasure and stress relief, and it involves making significant lifestyle changes, such as saying good-bye to well-established sexual habits, finding new ways to cope with emotional stresses, and learning how to relate to others more openly and honestly.

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Identifying and being able to admit your particular fears about quitting porn is an important first step in ultimately resolving those fears. Many of the people we have counseled and interviewed found it beneficial to do this as they started out on their healing journeys. Below is a list that includes many of their responses. You can use this list to help you identify your own fears.

COMMON FEARS OF BEING WITHOUT PORN
Put a check next to each item with which you agree:

____ I'm afraid of becoming depressed.
____ I'm afraid of getting angry and upset.
____ I'm afraid of feeling lonely.
____ I'm afraid of getting stressed out.
____ I'm afraid I won't be able to masturbate without it.
____ I'm afraid of losing my sense of sexual power.
____ I'm afraid of losing interest in sex.
____ I'm afraid of having less enjoyment in sex.
____ I'm afraid of feeling sexually frustrated.
____ I'm afraid I'll get involved with even riskier sexual behaviors.
____ I'm afraid of becoming more dependent on my partner for sex.
____ I'm afraid of feeling "less of a man" or less sexually liberated.
____ I'm afraid I'll have to tell others about my problem and they'll reject me.
____ I'm afraid no one will understand and be able to help me.
____ I'm afraid I will fail if I try to quit.

____ Other

___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________

As the list demonstrates, fears of quitting porn fall into the categories of emotional well-being, sexual enjoyment, and relating to others. These fears make sense given that porn use can play an important role in temporarily fulfilling needs in any one of these three areas. Go back over the list and look at the specific fears you identified. Notice which of your fears have to do with emotional, sexual, or relationship concerns. Do you have some fears in each category, or do your fears tend to concentrate in one area or the other? Understanding the type of fears you have can help you become aware of what particular issues you'll need to focus most on in your recovery; by doing so, you can ensure you meet that need in some other way than by using porn. For example, if you identified that you are afraid of feeling lonely if you stop using porn, then you have a legitimate need to not feel lonely. You can tame this fear by planning things to do so you won't feel alone without porn.

It is common for recovering porn users to have fears related to sex. They may worry that quitting porn will in some way mean losing out on sexual opportunities or no longer being a sexually active person. This fear is understandable and often strongest in people who have come to rely on porn as a primary sexual stimulant and outlet. You can minimize this fear by remembering that while quitting porn does involve closing a door on one type of sexual outlet, it also opens doors to other types of sexual experiences that can be enjoyable and fulfilling. Sexual behaviors that involved porn and caused you problems, can eventually be replaced with new sexual behaviors that support healthy self-esteem and emotional intimacy, such as with one's spouse.

Identifying the false beliefs that underlie some of your fears, and countering them with truth and reality, is another way to help maintain your motivation to quit. For example, some male porn users are afraid that giving up porn will mean giving up part of their self-identity, even their manhood. They think, I'll be less of a man if I don't use porn. This fear can relate to false ideas about what it means to be a man that were learned in childhood, which were reinforced by porn's messages and never altered. Looking at this belief closely and challenging its assumptions can reveal its inaccuracies. For example, Randy, a recovering porn addict, said, "I grew up thinking that 'real men' looked at porn. When I quit porn, for a while I worried what other guys would think if they found out I wasn't looking at it anymore. Then I realized the truth of it is it actually takes a strong man to overcome a powerful addiction like this. And only a real man who isn't into porn can love a woman deeply."

Saying each of your fears out loud can also diminish their power. When you say a fear out loud to yourself or talk to someone else about it, the fear can start to feel less absolute and imposing. Out in the open, some fears may suddenly seem irrational. You may start to realize that, like anyone else, you have a natural ability to adapt to change, and that despite years of using porn, you are still capable of learning new ways of dealing with your problems. You can call upon friends, support professionals, and other resources to help you. The more you identify and express your fears, the clearer new options for getting your needs met will become.

Regardless of the nature of your fears, getting them out in the open weakens their influence and helps you stay motivated to quit porn. When you start to challenge your fears, and counter them with ideas for making valuable changes to improve the quality of your life, you'll feel emboldened and empowered to continue on your healing journey. Remind yourself that anyone who has been brave enough to quit porn has faced similar fears and came out stronger, because they had the courage to move forward and did not allow their fears to hold them back.

© 2009 Wendy Maltz and Larry Maltz. Adapted from The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography, HarperCollins Publishers, 2008, pp. 150-154, by Wendy Maltz and Larry Maltz. This excerpt was provided for GuardYourEyes by the authors. For permission to duplicate or reproduce, contact the authors at www.HealthySex.com.

To see the "Table of Contents" of "The Porn Trap" and to read endorsements click here. You can purchase "The Porn Trap" on Amazon over here.

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Q & A from the authors of "The Porn Trap"

The authors offered to answer a number of questions that our readers would send in. Here are two questions that we presented them with, along with their enlightening answers:

1) How can we stop? The world is full of it, everywhere we go. We can get around the filters and we have wi-fi and can access it anywhere with the click of a mouse. And Movies and advertisements are all full of promiscuity, the street is like walking on a beach, and the slightest triggers make a lust addict go wild. What hope does he have to stop in today's world gone mad?

Yes, we live in a world filled with commercially-driven sexual images and unprecedented easy access to pornography. We also live in a world with unprecedented amounts of and easy access to junk food. In both cases, choosing and maintaining personal health means making smart decisions about what we allow ourselves to take into our bodies - through our eyes and ears with porn - and what we choose to stay away from and reject.

In our recovery book, The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography, Larry and I outline a number of strategies that you can use when dealing with everyday temptations. These include spelling out your reasons for not using porn, developing a support network of people you can call on at anytime, reducing unexpected exposure to porn, and using specific techniques such as the "eye bounce" (described on pages 175-176 of The Porn Trap):

Hank uses what he calls an "eye bounce" whenever he unexpectedly encounters porn images or materials that remind him of porn. "My mind and my eyes instinctively go to porn because I've always gone there and they're trained to go there," he said. "So when my eyes see something sexy now, I bounce away. 'Oh there's a picture of a sexy girl,' BOUNCE, I look elsewhere. It felt strange doing this at first, but now looking away has become a new habit. The more I do it the easier it is. For most of my life I walked around with a kind of low-grade sexual fever. But lately, for the first time, it's starting to diminish and almost disappear because I'm no longer feeding it. It feels like a part of me has been set free to do other things and it's fabulous."

In porn recovery, it is also very important to learn about healthy sexuality, so you have a clear idea of how you can re-channel your natural sexual drives and needs in ways that support positive self-esteem, healthy sexual thoughts, and a satisfying sexual relationship with your spouse.

2) What does someone who is trying to quit porn do when the withdrawal symptoms set in? How does he fill the inner "void" that he used to fill with porn? Many people use it as an escape from boredom, anxiety, stress... Now that they are giving up their "drug", how do they learn to deal with all these emotions and their free-time?"

In general, the most effective way to deal with urges is to move out of isolation. Reach out and talk with someone who understands and respects what you are working to accomplish. Share the difficulty and pain that you are feeling. Talk with someone who is farther along in his recovery and can help you to normalize your reactions and get ideas for how to shift your attention into other kinds of activities and pursuits that are enjoyable and that relieve stress.

Many of our clients tell us that quitting porn is a humbling experience because you need to realize that you can't go it alone. It's about moving out of self-centeredness and letting go of the notion of "I'm in control, I can do this myself," and admitting that porn is extremely powerful and is capable of taking over your sexuality and seriously damaging your integrity, relationships and your future.

In "The Porn Trap" we have a whole chapter devoted to "Handling and Preventing Relapses." Here we explain why people relapse, how relapses progress, how to reverse a relapse, and how to prevent future relapses. It contains a powerful exercise called "If I Were to Relapse" that can help you identify and reduce thoughts, feelings and behaviors that might trigger a relapse. We also include many examples of specific changes that recovering porn users made, that reinforced new ways of dealing with emotional needs, boredom, and stress.

Wendy Maltz LCSW, DST, www.HealthySex.com