I don't know quite how to explain what I've started figuring out about this whole addiction thing, but I'm going to try to start to put it down.
Basically, it boils down to this: I need to grow up.
What I mean is, if I see something and it's 'triggering' I feel, "oh no, what should I do?!"
Or, if my day is going bad I feel, "poor me, I deserve a break."
Or I just feeeeeeel like I need to, and instead of reaching out or trying to distract myself, like by leaving the house, etc, I make the wrong choice...
This all stems from a lack of maturity.
It's time to be an adult.
An adult can pass by a candy store and not buy himself a 'lollypop'.
An adult can say 'no' to themselves.
And also, when a kid has an issue, maybe they try to figure it out up to a point. And then they retreat and hide under the bed - or 'play hookie from school', or a hundred other ways to run away from the issue.
And then, eventually, because they're a kid, someone else figures out the issue and solves it all for them.
But an adult takes care of issues themselves.
Part of growing up is facing the real world - with all its 'unpleasantness' and difficulties, and not go running away screaming aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Also, part of being mature is facing up to the fact there is a problem.
So many of us don't want to.
So we hide from the issue itself, denying the extent of the problem. And every once in a while, when the extent of the issue cannot be denied any longer, we are crushed, guilt ridden and feel tossed to the depth of despair, hating ourselves because the realization is a SHOCK for us.
I have to grow up. And part of being adult is facing my issues, acknowledging I have them, though this might be a hard pill to swallow, and then be grown up and WORK ON THEM seriously. Because I am a GROWN UP.
No one is kissing the booboo away for me.
No one is cleaning up my mess.
I do that.
And I can do it properly.
And rather than this hurting my pride/self-esteem in any manner, it has begun to do the world for me. Because I am no longer shocked or self-loathing towards myself when I have inappropriate thoughts or desire to act out.
Because I understand that this is the child in me, kicking.
I can't be a child forever.