I've been slipping a lot lately and I felt like a total failure. This past Shabbos, the last thing I felt was holy. Then out of the blue I picked up the sefer 'The garden of Emunah' by Rav Arush and I opened it to a random page. And this is what I read as soon as I opened the book (believe it or not):
"Sometimes people suffer from mistakes or failures that apparently seem to be their own fault. In such a case we need to remember an important rule. "Before making a mistake, a person has free choice not to make a mistake. But, after the fact, one must believe that Hashem willed the mistake! Knowing that Hashem willed the mistake, a person has no reason to feel disappointed, depressed, disheartened and certainly not self flagellating or guilt ridden.
With Emunah, we attribute our successes to Hashem's divine assistance. One who fails to acknowledge Hashem's assistance is arrogant for he or she declares, "I succeeded"... So if our successes are a result of Hashem's intervention in our lives, then our failures are also the result of Hashem's intervention in our lives. As Hashem knows what's good for us, we should accept our failures lovingly and with Emunah, just as we accept our successes. Failure is the true test of Emunah; by virtue of Emunah, we acknowledge that our mistake in judgment, bad decision, or any other setback was Hashem's will. With Emunah, we refrain from persecuting ourselves day and night and therefore spare ourselves untold emotional wear and tear....
A person must believe that any sorrow or deficiency in life is the sole product of Hashem's will!"
So Hashem wants me to be where I'm right now.
Proof is that if not, I wouldn't be here.
I suddenly saw it clearly:
Just like Hashem liked the TrYiNg that knew how to overcome all obstacles,
Just like He liked the TrYiNg that davened 3 times a day,
Just like He liked the TrYiNg that loved saying Tehilim and talking to Him all day,
Just like He liked the TrYiNg that smiled despite everything,
The TrYiNg who was brave...
In the same exact way, He loves the TrYiNg that's failing all the time.
The TrYiNg who falls even before getting up straight.
The TrYiNg who forgot He existed.
The TrYiNg who is too busy with the biggest filth in the world, to even remember why we are here in this world.
The TrYiNg who's defeated.
The TrYiNg who cries.
And just like I have to accept everything that comes my way, I need to accept that sometimes it's Ok to fail. Sometimes, that's what our Father in Heaven wants; that we should try and fail and try and fail... Why? So we get to believe and trust in Him that EVERYTHING He does is good. I have to accept the way I am 'cuz that's His will, and no matter what obstacles there are in front of me, I will believe that He's here with me all the time, no matter if I win or lose. And even if I'm so full of Tumah and everything seems lost, I know that someplace deep inside I'm still yearning to go back to Him. And during those few moments of sanity, I'll hold on and cry for Him to let me come back; to allow me to come closer to him.
We are not our addiction! The same TrYiNg that you described in the first stanza, is the same TrYiNg that you described in the second stanza. Only in the second one, TrYiNg was burning with an addiction - just as someone who is ill burns with fever... It's not our fault that we got it, and neither does it define who we are.
In this week's parasha we read that AFTER Esav sold his bechora to Yaakov, it says:"And he ate and drank, got up and left, and Esav degraded the Bechora".
The curious thing is, why does it say at the end that Esav degraded the bechora? Didn't Esav do that BEFORE he ate the soup - by selling the bechora in the first place? Why does it say only AFTER he ate that he degraded the bechora?
The answer is, that Esav is NOT considered a rasha for selling the bechora in the first place, because he only did that when he was cornered by temptation, feeling weak and desperately hungry. So he was facing his desires and was put to the test, and he fell... But that is not why he was rasha... You are not a rasha for falling to temptation... But after he did it, he looked back on it and said, "to heck with it!". He said to himself, "you know, I fell in the face of temptation, but I'm not gonna care... I'm not gonna feel bad and I'm not gonna regret it...". And for THAT he is considered a rasha; for not caring! TrYiNg, you are out here every single day fighting, and you WANT to be good and you are truly are driven to overcome this. And for that you are surely considered a Tzadik!