BS'D
I haven't posted much over the past months. After I made that one time fall after 21 days on the 90 day chart, I felt like a nobody. I kept falling and things got progressively worse over time R"L.
Then I started reading the AA-book and now I really realize I am not in charge, but p***graphy is in charge of me. I feel terrible. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. True I didn't even finish "Bills story yet, but I need some sore felt chizuk. I feel like I am in the gutter, I am being controlled by what really seems to be my rotzon for Taavah. How will I ever get out?
You started your post with BS'D. That's how you're going to get out. When you surrender and give up that you can control fighting this addiction yourself, you'll begin to get better with His help.
This means not isolating and going to meetings or making calls to a sponsor or friend on GYE. It means reading the Handbook over and over again, every night until you can stop the behaviors for one day. Then the next and the next. Forget the 90 day chart. One day at a time, from now on.
Join the phone groups. Read what people say who go to the groups. Yes they still struggle but they have hope and friends to fall back on and discuss their stories.