The Library

I fell about a week ago because I became disinterested in the battle. I could have easily won. In fact, after 50 days clean, my habits had set me not to fall. But I broke it anyway because I had lost my inspiration to stay in the fight, as easy as it was. I think it was because for the entire duration of those 50 days I was telling myself:

• "It's Elul. You can't stop fighting now."
• "It's Erev Rosh Hashana! How can you even consider this?"
• "YOM KIPPUR! I DON'T WANNA DIE!"
• "Eh... Glad that's over...
• Wait, I can't relax, Sukkos is in a few days. Sukkos is so holy, I should be celebrating my success, not destroying it."
  

And then... Nothing. No special or auspicious time to keep me interested in the fight.

So I wasn't interested. I'd forgotten, or wanted to forget, the reasons I had given up my addiction. And therefore, I considered and concluded (wrongly) that I pretty much was fighting for no reason.

My fall though, acted as a wake-up call, reminding me of my previous life and how much I hated it.

Now I've dragged myself out again, and this time I know that winning is possible. I know that it's not so hard at all. And, most importantly of all, I remember why I'm doing this, and I'm not doing it just because of the time of year; I'm doing it because I believe in it.

And this time, I will (IY"H, BL"N, and all the other quotified abbreviations) succeed!

Unfortunately, I'm one of the younger generation, who's grown up with everything being easy and convenient. Every time I take upon myself to complete a difficult task, I feel disheartened and I cannot complete it if I believe that it is truly difficult.

So I analyze it, and break it up into bite-size chunks, and consider each.

• "Is not watching p*** or stopping m* easy? No! How can I ever accomplish it?"

• "Wait, is closing the browser easy? Yep, just hit the little x."

• "Is shutting the computer easy? Yep. Hit shut down."

• "Is looking away easy? Yep, just turn your head."

And so forth. Little actions that I believe I can accomplish.

Then I take them and add them up. Easy! I can do this!