I've been on Guard Your Eyes for some time now, working on myself and my shmirat Einayim. Over the past 5 years, I have had over 3 years clean. However, that mean I have been falling for at least 2 years.
But I never give up. After every fall and relapse, no matter how many times or how long it lasts, I always get up and try again. I go to the Mikvah, pray and try again. This process can last days, weeks, or even months.
Sometimes, the pain and guilt are so strong, I act out again and again. I feel depressed so I act out. But I'm depressed because I act out. It's a vicious cycle. I am an addict and struggle constantly.
However, recently I gathered my strength and decided to try again.
On Yom Kippur, I was so embarrassed. On erev Yom Kippur, I was looking at things I should not have been looking at!
But Hashem is merciful and He has given me another chance. He has cleansed me from all my aveirot and now I want to change.
I would like to tell you to never give up. Even though it doesn't make sense, Hashem believes in you and He still loves you no matter what. I find it hard to believe that after everything I've done Hashem still wants me. He still wants me to learn and to daven. But I ask myself, 'I've done so much wrong! Why would Hashem still want me?'
I believe these are mysteries that I may never know the answer to.
But I believe that on Yom Kippur I have been cleansed and I am going to run with that. It beats the alternative of rolling around in the mud. I have been given another chance and I am going to maximize the opportunity.
So, please never give up on yourself. You're never alone no matter how alone you may feel.
Reach out to Hashem. He really does want to hear from you. He is eagerly anticipating the next prayer you say. He wants to hear from you so badly. He's is waiting for you to return to Him and start learning his Holy Torah once again.
From one addict to another, you're never alone. There is hope. Anything else is a lie. Good luck on your journey!