"Me3" is a very inspiring guy who does a lot of "spirit lifting" on the forum with his upbeat attitude and great sense of humor! He spends most of the time helping others.
Well, here's Me3, giving it a shot (for the umpteenth time, but 1st time here). I'm in my 30's, married with kids & living in Brooklyn. I signed up for the 90 day chart. Nice to meet you all. Ok, so I'm clean for about 5 minutes now, do I count today as day 1 or day 0?
Daven, "Hashem I can't do this by myself, I need You to fight this for/with me. You know it is my will to do Your will, it's just this horrible addiction (the Yetzer hara) that is pushing me to fall. Please help me overcome him/it - just for today!"
Last week I had a lousy day and I would have fallen, save the fact that I couldn't break my filter; that darn K9 screen kept on popping up, B'H! Those bad days don't go away so easily but the more access you remove, the less likely you will be to fall. I know a filter is never fool proof, but it's still pretty good. I think that's the best kabala anyone starting out can make.
Here's an observation (nothing new that hasn't been said here countless times, but nevertheless, I think it's worth repeating):
There are 2 aspects to our fight, or really in any fight against the Y'H.
1. The battle not to fall.
2. The battle not to fall into depression - if we fell.
The second battle, I feel, is the more important one, because that stops us from picking ourselves up after a fall. However, I believe that a big part of winning the 2nd battle is just recognizing it for what it is. We read about certain members feeling hopeless, suicidal, unable to even put on tefillin after falling, etc... This, my friends, is plain old depression rearing its ugly head; nothing more and nothing less. This needs to be addressed, before you can get back on track with battling fight #1.
This is my take on this Elul / Yomim Noraim and I think many of us here can relate.
For several years I've come before the Ribono Shel Olam before Rosh Hashana with one kabalah:
"Ribono Shel Olam, this year I plan on being better with my Shmiras Anayim.
Both in the street & on the computer.
No Internet surfing...
No image searches...
No blog searches...
No inappropriate blog reading...
etc...
And Ribono Shel Olam, although You and I know that I made this kabalah last year and I have nothing to show for it, and I am not worthy of your mercy or of being kept alive this year. However, it was not because I wanted to go against Your will, it's because of this terrible addiction that plagues me. So Ribono Shel Olam, please forgive me for my aveiros of last year, grant me another year of life and give me the strength to do Your will this year."
This year I will be making almost the same kabalah and much of the same statements, with one important difference.
"Ribono Shel Olam, during this past year, and especially recently...
I WAS BETTER!
I MADE IMPROVEMENTS!
I GUARDED MY EYES!
I INSTALLED AN INTERNET FILTER!
I GAVE AWAY THE PASSWORD!
Now You and I know that I was far far far from perfect, and that I still have worlds to improve in this area, but please grant me a new year of life and allow me to continue to grow and improve."
The most important thing in this journey is to always bounce back and not give the Y'H a double victory.
I have B'H been on the 90-day chart for a month now and I feel like I've broken my old surfing habits, etc. I feel great and I see the difference in my life. However, I also know how easy it is to fall back, and to be honest, I'm petrified of doing so.
Another thing, I'm being extremely careful to keep myself in a positive state of mind, to keep the Y'H from getting me down, because that's the 1st step in falling.
I feel weak... I'm tired and bored, not interested in doing the work in front of me. Which of course is the start of all bad things.
But you know, this is the biggest benefit I get from GYE. I'm so busy following the happenings here that I don't have time to do anything else, I don't even follow the news I'm so busy here!
Anyway just posting this helped. I think I've made it past the crisis point.