It is incredible to look back and recall how much pain I was in not long ago. I am still in a lot of pain when I get my mind racing and dwelling on future worries or past regrets. For right now, I am just trying to focus on right now and what I am doing. It may sound odd, but the greatest relief I've gotten over the past week has been just washing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen at night. In those 20 or 30 minutes I just feel at easy and at one with the task - not worried about anything else or threatened or anything.
I've always lived my life wanting to be somewhere else - always looking for some angle or advantage or scheming some way to improve this or make this better. Then when I get into doing and working, I always feel I should be somewhere else or doing something else - even if I don't know what that is. I feel like this is my disease even more than the acting out. The acting out just masks the pain of this always wanting, always craving, always managing, always trying to control and achieve and plan. It makes the present moment intolerable and painful to just be in the now.
If I could just surrender to what I should be doing - what a gift that would be! I just feel that if I G-d wanted me to be a dishwasher and I knew that - if I was in touch with that - I could just wash dishes and be elated because I knew that I was just doing what I was put on the earth to do. But the way it is and the way it's been, I go nuts - I don't know what Hashem wants me to be.
I am sick and I know that I am "blocked off from the sunlight of the spirit." Today I'm just trying to act "as if". So when I am working on a project at work or talking to someone on the phone, I'm trying to act as if that's exactly what Hashem wants me to be doing at that moment and just surrender to it and not second guess myself to think about what else I should be doing at that time. Just let that go and do.
Of all the recovery groups I've seen, I've never seen recovery being lived out and the steps being worked like I have in this fellowship and on the calls. It's really humbling. G-d willing in another 4 weeks or so I will be able to start in with the other newcomers on the steps, when Duvid Chaim starts a new cycle.