"Dmaot". What a perfect name for one who is really sincere about changing. The Shaarei dima - the gates of tears are never ever closed to the cries of a Yid. Think about it; if we on GYE have heard your plea for help and are running to greet and welcome you, how much more so must your call be echoing through shamayim!
Welcome, and may your tears of pain soon become tears of thankfulness and gratitude.
Welcome to D'maot and others here, and ditto to 7Up:
Rav Noach Weinberg zt"l used to say:
"A guy came to Aish and heard me talk about how you can learn about G-d in a Yeshiva. He told me that he already knows about G-d, so he doesn't need to come here for that. I asked him about it and he told me about a miraculous landing he once had, falling off his bike and down a cliff - and walked away without a scratch! So he knew there must be a G-d! I asked him, "if there is a G-d, then why did he let you fall off the bike in the first place?... Do you think maybe He was trying to get your attention? Maybe he wants you to come to a Yeshiva to really get to know Him, no?"
I love it (and I loved Rav Noach). And Hashem loves you. You may blame this whole problem on yourself. I'd bet you do (as I always did).
But the facts may be that it really is not totally your fault. You may be just a little nuts (like many of us). Or you may be stuck in a pattern now and just can't get out on your own (like many of us).
You can blame yourself for the whole thing and give up, (which apparently hasn't been working very well for any of us till now, or we wouldn't be here), or you can consider that maybe Hashem is trying to get your attention. Maybe He wants us to need Him so much and to use Him so much, that we finally grow up and turn to Him the way He knows we can. That is one of the things you may find help with on this site.
Keep reading.
And, A-freilichen Yom Tov!!
Dov, your post brought me to D'maot! Straight to the heart. Thank you!
Thank you to everyone for the Chizuk - I can already see that Be'ezrat HaShem - and with all your help - my road to recovery will lead to success.
I'm sorry for posting so negatively in my first post. I was feeling like I hit rock bottom at the time. I'm going to start climbing out. Can't wait until I have 3 clean days so that I can post my status on the 90 day chart!