Ok, I have a problem and I'm finally admitting it. I am a 'good Jewish boy' - married, learn every day, I am makpid about davening, halachah etc. etc. except that I look at porn on the net. I have prayed to HaShem many many times to help me overcome this - but I still feel totally helpless. Yom Kippur was just last week, and I have fallen many times since then. I can even see how HaShem is pulling out all the stops to help me (tonight, my computer just turned itself off for no reason just as I was opening up a bad site!). But still I turn it back on, and fall... I'm so upset and I just don't know what to do any more. I'm so scared that HaShem will punish my family and any children that I may have IY"H, Chas VeShalom, and I desperately want to live a holy life... I try not to look at women on the street - I don't go to beaches/pools etc. but it's hopeless - at home and on my own, I just can't be trusted! I have now organized an internet filter on our internet but I still think it wont stop me (I'll just log on to neighbors etc.). Please help me!
Since today is a day of Teshuvah and we can all relate to "dmaot", I would like to bring a few of the beautiful welcoming posts. To see all the replies, click here. (Make sure not to miss Dov's welcome at the bottom. It brought "dmaot" to my eyes).
Welcome! Yes it is true. One who is taken over by his lust, even filters often won't stop him. What has to change is our attitude and our outlook. Take R' Guard's advice and READ THE HANDBOOKS. They are, as far as I can tell with my limited experience, the best way to change your outlook and yourself.
Congrats! You've just won 90% of your battle - you've reached out. You're not alone, so many of us - nice Jewish boys - struggle along with you. We're all in varying stages of recovery and many, many of us have fully recovered - people with worse addictions then you!
There are so many tools here - posting, accountability groups, phone groups - all anonymous, all really effective. Try it out. And if one thing doesn't work, try another. We're all in this together, and GYE really, really works. Hatzlacha!
Dmaot are Tears. Tears are answered or saved up for future use. The gates of Tears are never locked up, not before Yom Kippur and not after Yom Kippur.
Welcome to the forum! You've taken a great step. The next steps might sometimes be smaller, they might sometimes be bigger, but never get discouraged. Take it one step at a time. And if you take two steps forward and one step backward, that's progress. Don't let the Yetzer Harah pull you down. Right now, you might feel that he's got you from all sides, but he doesn't. And over time, you'll be building a stronger protective fences against the Y"H. As someone else pointed out, start reading through the handbooks. Take what speaks to you and use it to be mechazek yourself, one step at a time.
Welcome, Welcome. Realizing it is hopeless is a wonderful thing. The first step to recovery is when we admit we are POWERLESS. When I started, I thought it was hopeless for me also. I was powerless in front of the computer.
Chazal say that Hashem opens the way for someone who wants to sin. Why does He do this? Where is His kindness? The Alter of Slabodka says, that this is in fact an act of His kindness. We are not willing to change till we hit rock bottom, so Hashem lets us fall and fall and fall till WE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. Then we want to change. Think of the falls since Yom Kippur as Hashem's Kindness. They pushed you over the edge and got you to come here!
"Dmaot". What a perfect name for one who is really sincere about changing. The Shaarei dima - the gates of tears are never ever closed to the cries of a Yid. Think about it; if we on GYE have heard your plea for help and are running to greet and welcome you, how much more so must your call be echoing through shamayim!
Welcome, and may your tears of pain soon become tears of thankfulness and gratitude.
Welcome to D'maot and others here, and ditto to 7Up:
Rav Noach Weinberg zt"l used to say:
"A guy came to Aish and heard me talk about how you can learn about G-d in a Yeshiva. He told me that he already knows about G-d, so he doesn't need to come here for that. I asked him about it and he told me about a miraculous landing he once had, falling off his bike and down a cliff - and walked away without a scratch! So he knew there must be a G-d! I asked him, "if there is a G-d, then why did he let you fall off the bike in the first place?... Do you think maybe He was trying to get your attention? Maybe he wants you to come to a Yeshiva to really get to know Him, no?"
I love it (and I loved Rav Noach). And Hashem loves you. You may blame this whole problem on yourself. I'd bet you do (as I always did).
But the facts may be that it really is not totally your fault. You may be just a little nuts (like many of us). Or you may be stuck in a pattern now and just can't get out on your own (like many of us).
You can blame yourself for the whole thing and give up, (which apparently hasn't been working very well for any of us till now, or we wouldn't be here), or you can consider that maybe Hashem is trying to get your attention. Maybe He wants us to need Him so much and to use Him so much, that we finally grow up and turn to Him the way He knows we can. That is one of the things you may find help with on this site.
Keep reading.
And, A-freilichen Yom Tov!!
Dov, your post brought me to D'maot! Straight to the heart. Thank you!
Thank you to everyone for the Chizuk - I can already see that Be'ezrat HaShem - and with all your help - my road to recovery will lead to success.
I'm sorry for posting so negatively in my first post. I was feeling like I hit rock bottom at the time. I'm going to start climbing out. Can't wait until I have 3 clean days so that I can post my status on the 90 day chart!