Having been clean for about a year, I had just completed a huge project at work and was drained both emotionally and physically. At this point I can't even remember what actually triggered the fall, and it's not very important. But what a spectacular and magnificent crash it was!!! The only thing I know was that I was in such a slump, that it seemed nothing could pull me out, not Purim, not the upcoming Pesach holiday, nothing. I was as frigid and indifferent as could be, so cold and indifferent that I actually was frightened for my own sanity. I was coasting and getting by at work, and in my family life it was all just going through the motions for the sake of my wife and children, and just barely that! It was as if the life was sucked out of me, time had stopped... hours on end, clickin 'n surfin you know where... (maybe it's better you don't know where).
All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Nurah back together again until...
How did I find the GYE network, you ask?
Good old Google!!! I don't remember what I was Googling but I definitely remember that it was Google that brought me here. As the saying goes: "From the wound itself came the healing". The very same Google that took me into sh'eol tachtis, that very same Google brought me my life preserver..... all of you on the GYE network :-)
(Admin: See below for a D'var Torah from the Ohr Hachayim Hakadosh in honor of his Yartzeit - on this very idea!)
One of the stated goals of the GYE network is the concept of "Hitting bottom while still (relatively) on top" (Admin: see Chizuk e-mail #441 on this page). GYE was to me exactly that; a giant baseball bat right between the eyes letting me know in the clearest of terms: Buddy, shape up before you loose it all!
GYE lifted me up by the scruff of my neck and shook me till my teeth rattled!!
GYE shouted at me LOUD and CLEAR in the strongest language possible "Hey Nurah , if you want to avoid the indescribable pain that some of the chevrah write about, you better take yourself in hand and admit that you are an addict"
Because I thought I was immune to the wiles of the Yetzer Hara I had been lax in installing a no-nonsense filter. I must thank the Guard and the GYE filter page, and some of the posters who stressed over and over the monumental importance of having the strongest filter possible and giving the password to someone else - as I have since done.(Admin: See here for instructions on how to do this best).
Kudos to the brilliantly conceived 90 Day Wall Of Honor, a fabulous motivator.
Yet, I "celebrate" 90 days today with the greatest of caution. For me, Nurah, the 90 day mark must remain a mere "mile marker" on the journey of the "rest of my life", that is all. I pray that I will not succumb to any feeling of having "arrived" anywhere, because it's this very feeling of "arrival" that leads to the complacency - which gets me into trouble every time!!!
Do I hear a collective sigh of relief? :-)
I learned from all my masters on the forum (yes, I consider all the holy chevrah on the forum my rebbe'im and masters - each and every one of you - more then you will ever know):
Arrogance preceded and precipitated my fall, and only genuine anava (humility) will lift me up and sustain my recovery!
Reb Dov and others have so eloquently posted on the forum that SOBRIETY is a gift from the Almighty. And it is my deepest prayer that we all continue to be worthy of this great gift from Hashem, the GIFT OF SOBRIETY...... THE GIFT OF LIFE!!!!
L'CHAIM L'CHAIM--- TO ONE AND ALL, L'CHAIM!!!!