The Library

Hey chevreh, approaching day 70 (!!!)

Lots of emotional ups and downs, although I can testify that this has been a life changing experience so far, and one of the better life choices I've made.

I've developed closer bonds with my loved ones, and have come clean (literally) to my Rav. I've acquired a very special mentor/rebbe/friend on the GYE forum, who has been indispensable throughout this journey! I actually am starting to love my wife - not just "like" her, and live peacefully with her.

If there's one thing I know I'm good at, it's lowering my ego and changing my attitude and behavior when faced with the truth, but until I started on my current path of recovery I did not realize just how humbling it is to truly face the bare-bones אמת. Acquiring humility is a painful process that requires a person to be honest with themselves in their assessment of the strengths and weaknesses within them.

This week I ventured into an eatery in which a non-Jewish woman had found my contact info last year and proceeded to chase after me, and I had a partial fall. I went in there this past week to say hello to someone I know who I saw through the window, and halfway through our conversation I saw her staring at me and trying to catch my eye, but I ignored her. Not planning on going back in there again, but this was a big win for me. (I did very painful Teshuva on it last year, but as the Ramban explains full Teshuva must be in the same situation in the same situation - so I believe I finished my Teshuva this week when I didn’t allow that situation to even start).

All in all, it's been amazing so far, and I am filled with gratitude for the chevreh on GYE - thanks to your encouragement, I am starting to veer away from sexualizing my painful feelings (with the help of my mentor on the forum).

I've come quite far in recovery from technology addiction as well. Now when I am somehow bored and find myself unoccupied for a while, I can actually sit and think, or read a book, or look outside, even spend time talking with and listening to my kids (what an interesting concept). I do not go crazy anymore just because most of the internet is blocked (rightfully so) on my devices.

It is normal to feel feelings. Without the downs there are no ups.

And it's ok to be kind to yourself. If you're reading this, do me a favor (as a stranger / friend) and do what a good friend of mine once told me to do: Look in the mirror, deep into your eyes, and tell yourself over and over again that you are a good person who deserves to be happy!!!