They would now have full knowledge of what I was browsing on the web. This was two months ago and now - 2 months later - I am a changed man. I have rid myself of my addiction, an addiction that I had so much reliance on previously, for well over a decade. I have changed in every way possible - spiritually, mentally and most importantly, I am facing the world whilst portraying a true image of who I am. No longer am I hiding behind a smokescreen. No longer do I have those feelings of guilt and shame. Incidentally, my business has thrived and new revenue streams have been realized - some leads coming from sources I would never have thought were possible.
Why am I writing this? I know that there are many frum men out there that find themselves in similar situations of Internet entrapment. I know that many of you can relate to how I was able to live a life of a split personality - a normal frum yid and that of a cyber animal. And yes, I know many of you out there will agree that whilst all our actions are continuously recorded and monitored by Hashem and we are ultimately accountable to Him, when it comes to the Internet it's a different story. The internet allows your every action to be shrouded in secrecy, and this format allows you to push the boundaries further and further, safe in the knowledge that no one meaningful will ever know. It's a modern day invention that has become part of our lives and facilitates every yetzer harah, making it all so easy and possible. But if your best friend knew - or your wife was aware - of what websites you visited, and if they saw you every day, would you continue to do what you previously were doing on the internet? No!
Hashem, I appreciate that it should never have come to this and I pray that the poor child didn't have to die so that I should have to learn this lesson. I should have known and imbued within my heart all along 'hakol goloi ve'yaduah lefnei kisei kevoidecha' and I shouldn't have to rely on the knowledge that my wife and father are aware of my internet activity. But I also know that You will be proud of me for what I did and, in effect, 'mitoich shloi lishmah bah lish'mah'. It has brought me closer to You and allowed me to relate to Your Torah and made davening to You such an enjoyable experience. I have done something that has changed my life forever, something I never thought I'd have the courage to do. I feel cleansed and free to get on with my life and face the world with a clear conscience. Thank you Hashem for giving me the strength to make this move, and I ask You to help me on my path to be able to serve You with a pure heart.
Thank you all for reading this. May Hashem help us all in our avoda of serving Him with Yiras Shamayim, with purity and sanctity and may we all be zocheh to His brochos in good health ad me'ah ve'esrim shana.