For me, the after-shock of recovery was far too massive to just sit back idly. My thirst for real Teshuvah was a moral responsibility that I felt. I needed to connect to my spirit in a very real way. I needed to do something. I was desperate to maintain sobriety. I let my soul lead the way. My neshama knew exactly what it needed. My hurting soul needed comfort and relief in a time of destruction. My soul was was so happy to finally be allowed into my life and to finally shine. When I felt pain about my past, I also felt joy. I understood that I was removing the outer layers that cover the spirit. I was getting in touch with myself for the first time in a long while. I was finally able to cry the way I cried when I was a youth, beginning my battle 15 years ago. This was a sign that I was not 'cut-off'.
My need for proper teshuvah was from my inner spirit telling me to do the ratzon Hashem. My need for teshuvah was not a 'method' to remove myself from sin. B"H, I was beyond that. The day I decided 'No More', it melted away like ice in the hot sun. That part was easy. When you truly want it, it is easy. AND I WANTED OUT. NO MORE.
But I still needed to do teshuvah. I needed kapara for the past and tahara for the future. This has nothing to do methodology of recovery [which we discussed yesterday]. Hashem sent his special messengers down to this earth to guide us, like Rabbeinu Yona. I needed to understand the effects of my past and ask for proper forgiveness. I knew that this does not come to those who just want it. It comes after hard work of internalizing the truth of the world. One must learn to understand. I have done this many times in the past, but I knew this time would be different.
For the first time in my life, I began to understand what Charata (regret) really meant. I understood how charata has much more to do with internalizing than knowing. Charata is a feeling of astonishment and shock. The new person known as a baal teshuva cannot believe what the old person did. This comes only through a creating a new person; a person that has internalized how terrible his acts were. A person that internalizes how great Hashem is. With this, he becomes shocked and stands in disbelief as he realizes how he has rebelled, destroyed himself, acted worse than the animals, etc. But this is an avodah.
I learned to understand aziva hachet (leaving sin), and I did everything in my capability to not allow lustful triggers to enter my day, following the guidelines of halacha, as opposed to idealistic thinking. (See the "Quote of the Day" below, which discusses this same idea!)
I understood and felt "yagon" (sadness / pain at having been lost) as my neshama unleashed itself, and it cried days on end. (You can read more about yagon on this post from April).
And I began internalizing daaga (worry) from the yetzer hara, as I strengthened my fences. I became more careful where I walked and with whom I spoke. I davened for protection with greater conviction, as even the most remote possibility for sin was scary to me. I was encouraged to increase my awareness of Hashem with each passing day. I should never settle for yesterday's accomplishments.
And as I feared retribution, I davened for salvation. I took each minor mishap in my life as another brick of atonement. I laughed as I was pained, realizing it is all a kaparah.
And the growth goes on as we move to hachna'a (humilty) and then to sheviras hataavos (breaking the desires), and onwards.
And I also knew that last year, when I went six months clean and then fell, one of my biggest mistakes was not doing any vidui until Yom Kippur. I am so ashamed of myself for this. (I had been scared to say vidui only to be proven a hypocrite later on).
I needed to get close to Hashem (again). I felt so distant from Him. It was me that had created that barrier, and I would have to work to remove it. I knew that I had gotten myself into these things, and I needed to get myself out of it. I had made many wrong decisions in my life, and it was in my hand - NOW - to change. I needed to stop relying on others for chizuk alone, and I realized the matter is in my hands to fix. I needed to stop thinking that 'Eventually I will stop, the problem will just go away on its own.' As I removed myself from sin, I begged Hashem day and night to let me back. He allowed me to come to his throne of glory for a period of time (approx. 5 weeks) as I expressed all my inner emotions directly to Him. Those were the most precious days of my life.