For the first time in my life I was able to wake up in the morning and say Modeh Ani with kavanah. I thanked Hashem for real for giving me life back. I thanked him for giving me another day to live and become a greater person. For the first time in my life, I began to really appreciate life, with all its hardships and setbacks. All the knowledge that I had amassed over the many long years of struggling came rushing down to me with clear understanding. I was finally able to internalize all my knowledge and bring it to my heart, as the baalei mussar tell us.
I spent the first two months of sobriety in intense davening to Hashem to help me. I set aside time each day for tehillim (and continue to do so) as I connected myself. [As an aside, if I am not mistaken, this has been the approach of the early AA's as well. They would encourage recovering addicts that after making a definitive decision to remove themselves from alcohol, the needed to spend time each day involved in religious work to connect themselves to G-d]. I NEVER EVER wanted to go back to that dark world again. I had fallen in the past and I knew it could happen again. I begged Hashem day and night for eternal protection. I did everything in my means to help myself. I understood in a very real way that help from Hashem will only come if I put in all my efforts. And all my efforts were exerted. The Rabeinu Yona tells us that a person who really wants, tries. He explains that that is what bechira is all about. It is about putting in all your efforts as you express your true desire. If you want but do not do, then you do not really want. You only want to want.
I needed to rebuild my life from the start. I began implementing small changes that made a huge difference to my day. I understood that without proper kavanah in Shemah, modeh ani and krias shema al ha'Mitah, I would never gain the proper perspective on life that I needed. I understood that without proper perspective on love and intimacy, I would never survive. I took what I always knew to be true and began internalizing it. I began writing loving letters to my wife, as I expressed my emotions in a very open way. I became more careful with inyanei kedusha. This included sleeping in the right direction and stopping to invite the yetzer hara into my life. I became extremely more cautious in other areas as well, but I won't elaborate.
One great zechus that Hashem gave me, was that precisely during my beginning days of sobriety, my wife and I had to remain abstinent due to uncontrollable circumstances. My wife was sick for an extended period of time. While it was initially frustrating, I began to realize how much my perspectives on life and family had not been internalized, and how selfish I had become. Also, during this time, my wife was unable to handle most of the daily chores. I had to help out much more, as well as offer proper comfort to her. This meant learning to become sympathetic and expressing love and concern. I began to understand that Love was not about romance but about caring. It was about building an eternal bond of oneness with another, which leads to a natural sense of concern and care. It is about giving and not getting. And the more I gave, the greater I felt. I transformed myself from selfishness to selflessness. I was finally able to express my love to my wife for real. Of course I always knew this. But for the first time, I began living it.
In short; in the past, this long period of separation would often lead to addiction and depression. This time it lead me to sobriety and rejuvenation.