The second part of recovery consists of actively pursuing positive goals. Nature abhors a vacuum. Although ultimately porn brings pain, for so long it had provided a degree of counterfeit pleasure and relief from the trials of life. The trials haven't gone away but the method of living with them, acting out through porn, is being taken away, leaving a vacuum. This needs to be filled or sooner or later the urge to go back to former habits will become overwhelming.
The way to fill the hole is unique to each person and depends on their individual makeup and what makes them tick. As described above, porn splits a person into two, turning the internal person into one who is focused solely on lust. True self awareness has never been developed and therefore the knowledge of what makes you tick and what activities to pursue to bring true fulfillment is missing. There is no internal structure, but there needs to be! Thus the first step is to become self aware.
Therapy is a good way to get started. Slowly you find out how to recognize your own feelings and evaluate what causes them. You can then evaluate whether they make sense and what to do about them. For example, say you are now able to identify when you feel stressed. In the past, the feelings were not identified however the stress was all too real, prompting the urge to alleviate it by acting out. Now that you're aware, you can evaluate the cause. You may realize, "I feel stressed because I didn't close the deal." Once the cause is identified, you can determine whether it's justified. "Do I have to close every deal? I closed three deals already this week -- that's pretty good!" This recognition brings relief and the stress goes away.
But let's say the stress is indeed justified. "I feel stressed because I said something hurtful to a friend that was unwarranted." Now you can either apologize and ask for forgiveness, or at the very least resolve to be more careful in the future. Again, the decision brings relief and the stress dissipates.
Once the internal structure is in place, real building can begin. You're finally ready to identify what makes you tick. What's important to you and what isn't? What are your true values, and what are your goals to achieve them? New thought patterns can be established and a life of growth and true fulfillment can begin. As I began working on this, it was painfully obvious that living a life focused solely on my own immediate pleasure did not bring lasting satisfaction.
My view of intimacy has also deepened. Physical intimacy is a gift from the Almighty. It is powerful way I can give to my wife, the woman I am committed to and love most in the world. Porn takes this potentially spiritual act of love and profanes it by reducing it to a selfish mechanism to fulfill one's animalistic drives. Becoming clean enabled me to reclaim the inner depth and connection that intimacy can bring, using it to express my soul drive as opposed to my baser, lower side.
I am also blessed to have a true life partner in my wife. After the initial shock and pain, with time and effort she was able to not only forgive and understand but truly support my progress in recovery. Our relationship is deeper and richer as a result.
I realize my experience is extreme, but there is a good reason why porn is a multi-billion dollar industry -- there are many suffering from this addiction. And any amount is bad news. Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, an expert in therapy addictions, says for some all it takes is one viewing of pornography to get hooked. Porn distances you from your inner soul; it lowers yourself and reduces women to objects. Take it from me, you're playing with fire.
Porn is all sizzle, no meat. Like all counterfeit pleasures, it leaves you feeling empty and hollow, devoid of meaning. Real pleasure carries no shame; it's uplifting and life affirming. This most powerful physical pleasure has the potential to build and destroy. Choose wisely.
Yakov posted this comment on Aish.com's article.
This article brings great joy to me, and I will tell you why. My first exposure to porn came at age 10. My addictive behavior picked up speed at age 12. When I was 16, I had a spiritual awakening and made a conscious decision to stop. However, despite all my efforts, my addiction grew and grew as it threatened my job, my family and ate away my spirituality. At the beginning of Feb '09, I was introduced to the guardyoureyes.org website. I still could not get courage to pick myself up and beat my addiction. However, a few days later, Rav Noach Weinberg zt"l (Rosh Yeshiva of Aish) passed away. I attended his funeral and something magical happened that day, as I listened to all the eulogies. All of a sudden I felt a sense of strength. I felt a sense of meaning. I felt a sense of believing in myself that I could do what G-d wants me to do. For the first time in a long time, I felt that I could rid myself of this addiction if I only wanted to and asked Hashem for help. That day marks my first day of sobriety. From that day forward, I remained clean of this destructive behavior as I learned to rebuild my life using the tools on the guardyoureyes.org website. The story in this article and the real person in it, were one of the major contributors to my success. I thank G-d for bringing me to the right place for recovery and for helping me recover. Thank you Rav Noach zt"l. With tears, your new talmid, Yaakov.
I am a member of Sexaholics Anonymous and when I walked into my first meeting I was shocked to see it full of other frum people like me. It literally has saved my life. B"H I was "only" addicted to pornography, but others in the room were much worse off, and many started where I was and progressed to far worse places (adultery, prostitutes, drugs, ect). This is such a huge topic and can literally save thousands of frum people's lives and marriages. I would be happy to speak with anyone who is struggling. I remember years before I found help I would e-mail rabbis I found online for help because I was too ashamed to speak with someone face to face. I'm sure you have and definitely will receive many emails of people looking for help. What a way to enter Elul. Thank you again.
I got addicted in 7th grade, then, B"H, found God (or maybe God found me) by 11th grade. Living at home the whole time, I've never had therapy or a wife to work it out with, but I too labored under the delusion that once I got married, my problems would be solved and the addiction would go away. Also, like others commented here, I would swear every Yom Kippur to give it up and never could, till, with God's help, I have been clean 4 years now by taking it one day at a time, praying incessantly, studying a lot of Torah and eschewing, as best as a college student can, anything that might lead my thoughts back. It gets easier, but it never goes away. I know I'll never be fully healed. But I read this article on Aish and I think how horrible my life would be now if I had stayed on that path. And I look at the absolutely blessed, successful existence that I have now, where I am a blessing to my family and to my friends, and, I pray, to God as well, and I am using what I have been blessed with to accomplish many wonderful things I never would have even thought possible from a kid like me a few years ago. All I can say is Baruch HaShem, may all addictions turn out to be the blessing that mine has.