As my wedding day approaches, I feel it as an obligation to tell you a bit of my story and how GYE came to the rescue and brought me to where I am now.
I would like to fill you in on a bit of my story briefly so that you understand where I'm coming from. I was born and raised in a very frum community in Brooklyn, where I lived in a very abusive home. My parents were the worst ones could ever be, ruining me to pieces. I had managed to stay normal, so to speak, until I left school, which had been somewhat a protection for me. As I went into the real world, I found myself all alone. I started working but I was an emotional wreck by then. I come from such a dysfunctional home, that no one could've gotten out unscathed from such an unhealthy environment. And neither did I.
My parents thought I was crazy and sent me to some counselor, who himself became part of my emotional and spiritual destruction. A year passed, and I stopped seeing that guy; he was a no-goodnik for me. But by then, I was shattered in all areas. I started seeing a new therapist but she didn't do a thing. By that time, I was on Facebook and chatting with all sorts of guys and boys. It took me a while to get used to it, but I became a full-fledged porn watcher. And if that wasn't enough, I hooked up with some boy that I met on facebook and we met a few times. I was heading in a very dangerous direction. I was a crazy hypersexual kid that was risking her sanity and health to fulfill my lustful needs. At one point I started taking meds because I was literally uncontrollable. Nothing stopped me. I was on the verge of going all out with that boyfriend of mine. I didn't care. Nothing was able to stop me. I was broken and pained. I suffered the heck of a life, and I figured, I'm anyhow screwed, I might as well get the best out of it.
But thankfully that didn't happen. Hashem saved me at the last minute. He knew me well enough, and He knew that it wasn't me that was doing all this. It was my sickness, my brokenness.
When my boyfriend traveled overseas to go back to yeshiva, I felt lonely again. But that's when GYE came to the rescue. I remembered seeing an ad once on a news site and I decided to give it a try. I was utterly amazed. Before I first joined in May 2012, I thought that I'm probably the only kid out there suffering from this problem. I was so embarrassed and that's why I never shared my story. It brought me to tears seeing how much people suffer but they are like one family, caring and supporting each other. And it didn't take too long until I was a member myself. I felt at home. I loved everything GYE had to offer. I made some wonderful friends, and most of all, the support and chizzuk I got, was unbelievable. The daily emails were my lifeline. I drank in every word like this is the only thing I need now. I didn't get it from anywhere else. I was hungry to hear some encouragement!
I changed therapists after a while, and BH she worked wonderfully with me. There was one problem, though, I didn't trust her and didn't tell her anything very personal. So we didn't accomplish much.
A few weeks later, I was back in touch with that boy, but only from afar. And my therapist didn't even know abt this. I was bored and lonely and I needed the warm feelings that came along with that.
At one point, I had no access to the internet so I gave it a shot and slowly started to wean off of porn. In the beginning, it was torture for me. I felt like going crazy... but I worked really hard. But on the other hand, I was into a lot of self-gratification and that gave me what I craved. But I was sick and tired of living such a life. I felt disgusted, animalistic and shameful! I so badly wanted to be like everyone else around me.
And it wasn't long to come. Because I had GYE as my pillar of support, along with my therapist, whom I slowly started to trust, I was able to slowly recover. What GYE did with me was unreal!!!
In middle of the summer, I emailed one of the moderators of the women's forum and, I must say, never in my life have I met someone so supportive and caring and loving. And all anonymously!!! The long emails I got kept me and still keeps me going. I was given tremendous insight and support, all just because I'm a yid, another child of Hashem. As I mentioned, I hated myself for who I was and what I did, but the Mod really put things in a different light. After a while, I was able to love myself, to look at myself from a different angle and it gave me strength to battle my addiction. I didn't feel so alone. Only Hashem can really repay GYE for what they did for me. That I merit to come to my wedding sane, healthy and alive, it's only because of what YOU all did for me.
I had gotten engaged in the middle of the summer, and that's when I finally broke off with my boy. It was the worst of pain I have ever encountered. I cried for days on end. I was so broken, but again GYE was here for me. And the Mod has emailed and supported me like no one else. It took me a long time to get out of my pain, but with lots of support and help, I did it.
And now, now... I'm mere days away from building my own home. Sometimes I think to myself, that I don't even know how lucky I am to get to my wedding still clean, still as a kosher girl. Who would have believed this???
I don't know how I would've been without the support of GYE. So many things changed from when I started out on my journey. You taught me so much, gave me so much!!! You merited to bring me back on track. What you have accomplished, no one else did.
I used to think that I AM shmutz, I AM lust!!! It's me, my essence, who I am and it defines me. But you taught me otherwise. I then knew that it wasn't me. It was just what I DID! What my yetzer hara, or rather sickness, told me to do. YOU SAVED ME! You gave me the tools to keep on going!!! I was in a huge, wide world where no one cared for me or helped me but you!
And so, I think my story speaks for itself. If I am still alive, sane and healthy, it's all your credit B'eH.
With tears in my eyes, I say thank you to you, from the depth of my heart!
May you be zoycha to continue doing your holy work and help others like me. May Hashem repay you for everything you did for me!!
Sincerely,
Blueberry