I'm falling big time here.
This is my last call for help.
I have two tabs open now, one of them is GYE, the other...
I also have had enough of falling by myself. I have my finger on the phone waiting to call a girl which I know for certain will lead to *** tonight.
I don't even know why I'm posting.
I was feeling good a minute ago.
Now I feel low.
Uch
Battleworn posted: "YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY PUSH HASHEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE!!!! HE LOVES YOU AND CARES ABOUT YOU WAY WAY TO MUCH FOR THAT!!!"
Your posts just shook me up, especially Battleworn's comment that you can't push Hashem away. I feel like I've asked Hashem to leave the room, and now I'm alone. But Battleworn is right, that's not possible.
So I'm gonna take a break for a bit, but I'm not saying that I'm not gonna fall. I'm already into it. I'm just taking a break. That's it.
Meanwhile, some of Uri's dear friends, such as Battleworn, Struggle and Momo tried to call Uri by phone, but at first he wouldn't pick up. Finally he picked up the phone. It was Momo on the line.
Ok, so I got through to Uri and I told him that I can't go back to work if he falls. We made a deal. He'll leave the room NOW and go for a walk to cool off if I go back to work.
A few minutes later Momo posts:
I just wanted to update everyone. Uri called me. He went for a walk (hurray, I'm proud of you Uri for taking my advice!).
His computer is off, and he's going to spend most of the afternoon/night in a very kosher place away from his computer, so he most likely won't be posting until tomorrow. So, don't worry if he doesn't post until tomorrow. He's doing alright.
Uri, you're so strong. I think I'll be repeating your name during Ne'ilah this Yom Kippur... All the prosecuting angels will surely flee when they hear your name!
But Uri, I just want to mention one important thing. You wrote:
"I also have had enough of falling by myself. I have my finger on the phone waiting to call a girl which I know for certain will lead to *** tonight".
You should know, that sinning with someone live is very serious. Nidda is an Issur Kares, and even touching "bi'derech chiba" is ye'hareg ve'al ya'avor since that is "abizraya de'arayos" (see the sefer Nidchai Yisrael from the Chafetz Chaim)... Now I'm not here to give mussar or try to sound scary, but in the book "The First Day of the Rest of My Life" by R' Shraga, he suggests drawing red lines; i.e. conquering one territory at a time (see Day 6-7 in the PDF file). Please Uri, make sinning with others your red line. We all believe that you can do that. Count 90 days clean in that territory, and then you can move on to conquer more territory. Can you take this upon yourself now in front of us all here on the forum, your brothers and sisters who love you, now, right before Rosh Hashana??? Can you do it?? Go Uri, Go! Make the announcement and we'll throw a party for you!!!!
Guard,
After carefully considering your offer,
and after consulting with Mom ("7Up") at length on the matter,
I accept you challenge.
My red line now is officially no physical contact with girls.
That includes anything from hugging to ***.
No matter how low I fall, that is my limit.
Happy?
-uri
You guys are so amazing.
I was so touched when I read the last 2 pages.
I am at a loss for words.
Mom (7Up) contacted me today (she doesn't do that often)
Apparently she received several SOS's for me.
These 2 pages are gonna be something that will be mechazek me for a while.
I will return to them when I'm down IY"H.
My heart feels very full now:
I was drowning
no way to get out
I was losing air,
water in my mouth.
I thought my final thoughts
as the water covered me.
I thought what life could've been,
what it was meant to be.
But now I would die,
drowned by self love.
I gave the evil one my heart,
instead of The One Above.
But as my head went under
I sensed movement up on high
A hand reached down,
and called to me with a cry.
I didn't have strength left
to reach for my life.
But the person just reached down
cut the cords with a knife.
As I was pulled up,
I realized who my savior was.
It was Momo, my friend,
who did what an angel does.
I understood what had happened
as I was drawing my last breath.
My friends, who I love so much
had come and fought lust to the death.
He had run away screaming
"these people are nuts!!"
I hugged them all tightly
"now whose in the dust?"
Anyway, you can imagine the party we threw for Uri on the forum (see from reply #731 and on at Uri's place).
I even uploaded a special song in honor of Uri's PARTY!! Download it Here (if you don't know Hebrew, the theme of the song is translated as "We Shall Overcome").
Uri, I'd like to tell you what you did for me. After we spoke, I actually felt good about myself, and that's not a given for someone suffering from depression and low self esteem. I felt that I actually made a difference in someone's life, even if it was for a moment. That gave me the motivation to work extra hard yesterday afternoon. In addition, I didn't stay late at work, instead, I was motivated to go to a shiur! I used to go to a daily shiur, but I stopped about 2 months ago, and it felt great to go back. So Uri, I thank YOU. You see, not only does mitzva gorreret mitzva, but I think that the kedusha that YOU, Uri, brought into the world by saying "No" to the Y"H and passing a very difficult test, fell on me too and raised me up. What I'm trying to say is, that not only did I NOT inconvenience myself by calling you, we helped each other. Please feel free to call me anytime!
So Rabbosai, if this isn't what Teshuva, Ahavas Yisrael and "Kol Yisrael Areivim" is all about, what is? Is this not the best preparation for the Yomim Nora'im? Let us all take a lesson from these heroes, and learn the power of "group support", and of calling out to others when we feel weak.
Rav Dessler writes in his Michtav Eliyahu that when people create goals for themselves, it is of utmost importance that they create two opposite goals. One goal is for aiming to reach further top. The other goal is for a RED LINE, not to reach below it. In other words, one needs a "range"; not to fall below a certain rung and to try reaching a certain height. This will ensure, Rav Dessler explains, that just because a person didn't reach the height he set out for, it is a lot less likely that he will give up. Why? Because he DID accomplish another goal of his, namely by not falling beyond the lower goal of a red line!
Good evening chevra,
Today was an interesting day. I had a meeting with my sex-addiction therapist, which I discuss on a separate thread (see this eye-opening thread over here).
I don't know for sure why I'm sharing this, but I just want to say that yesterday I almost fell worse than anyone here even knows, except for Mom (7Up).
I just want to thank you guys for saving me from doing something very stupid.
Anyway, my meeting was a real eye-opener and I came out feeling excited about this new approach in dealing with my addiction. I would even go so far as to say that I was feeling better than I have been in quite a while.
And I was feeling even better when I passed a few girls and I noticed something quite interesting. The "aura" that I usually sense by girls - that bright gleam, was not there! And these were decent looking girls, but I was not interested in the slightest. I guess it's maybe because I was in such a positive mood.
But on the bus on the way to my friend's town (where I'm staying the night), I was listening to my MP3 when I felt someone bump against my arm. I looked up and there was this really good looking girl smiling at me.
"Sorry", she was still smiling.
"Mmhm", I mumbled back incoherently, trying to go back to looking at the window.
("Not now, please G-d!")
"So where are you headed?", she asked me (in Hebrew).
Ever notice how stupid you sound sometimes when you mumble?
"Komnnkdf"
"What??"
I cleared my throat and told her which Yishuv I was headed to.
"Hey, me too!"
Another smile.
I could swear that she also winked at me.
"Very nice", I answered.
I finally pulled myself together and put my music back on and stared out the window until I sensed that she had walked away.
I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
I could imagine what she was probably telling her friend at the moment:
"I think that guy is retarded".
Well, as they say, "Better to be considered a fool in this world your whole life then for one moment in the World to Come."
I guess I'm a natural.
-Uri
Hey, it wasn't too hard (sheepishly and modestly)
I mean, I have a red-line now, no?
I also want to apologize if this girl is someone who uses the forum :-)
I might've been a bit rude.
Sorry.
-Uri
Mazal Tov Uri, on your victory!!
When you mentioned that you passed those good looking girls and weren't interested in the slightest, that sounds to me like you have just felt the essence of recovery. (And thank you for crystallizing it - it really helped me). Recovery for me, means living in a way that I don't need the lust. This way of life is what I fight to maintain every day. I do not - and cannot - fight the lust itself. Anyway, feeling the recovery is really sweet, no? That is worth fighting for!
I would like to bring another post of "Hoping", where he writes more along the lines of this profound idea:
I can not live my life on autopilot anymore. I KNOW where that takes me. I spent many years living in autopilot mode; even growing in learning (Torah) and other areas, all while running on auto. For me, recovery is a change to manual shift. I have to proactively live in recovery so that I don't need the lust. That includes living with Hashem and focusing on fulfilling the needs of others rather than my own needs. I hope that I will succeed today in living as I need to. I fear falling backwards if I do not continue to move forwards.