The Library

I guess it's time for me to relate my story. Some background info will give some context to my story. I am a convert to Judaism of several years now. I was raised nominally xtian and did an extended stint in evangelical type xtianity from college into my 30's. How I ended up converting I won't share here as it my reveal my identity.

I have been struggling with actig out and intermittant usage of inappropriate material for nearly 30 years. When I was around 13, someone shared some inappropriate magazines with me. I was instantly hooked and soon began acting out as well. Along with this, I also entangled myself in a very inappropriate relationship with a girl that was on and off for four years or so. These things laid a corrupt foundation for my life that has haunted me ever since. I quickly got to the point where I was giving into my lust twice a day or more. I met my future spouse in college. We were both religious xtians at that point, but while my xtianity generated a lot of guilt about my activities, it didn't do a lot to give me any means of overcoming. We married shortly after graduating college. I had hoped that this would give me the means to overcome my lust, but it was not to be. In addition to the power of the addiction, there was a physical problem that cropped up requiring our abstinence from intimacy for several weeks. By the end of that time, acting out was strongly entrenched in my marital life. Over the years I made various efforts to overcome the addiction but it was all done without understanding the nature of what was happening, and thus was unsuccessful. When I was preparing for my conversion to Judaism, I heard of Tzvi Fishman and his website. I read his website, got his book and began to understand the depth of the dangers of immorality. Shortly before my conversion date, I began what was my longest stint of abstinence from giving into my lust. This stint ended due to a combination of work related separations from my wife, depression, and failure to proper guard my eyes from impure sites (during this stint it was impure appropriate websites and exposure to immodestly dressed women in my work location). From that point I wavered back and forth between purity and impurity, sometimes lasting a few days and sometimes a few weeks. Sometimes the impure times were marked by some usage of inappropriate sites on internet and others it only involved acting out. Recently the struggle was particularly bad. Over the summer I lost my job (I had developed such a bad attitude toward that employer that I had nearly stopped working at all). Thankfully, within a month I found new employment. However, the new job involved relocation, and when I got my family moved with me, there was real and significant strife. My wife and children were headed off the derech, we were headed for divorce. On the surface, it had to do with the fact that my wife and I seemed to be headed in different direction religiously. Under the surface, I suspect that my many years of immorality had caught up with our relationship; I wasn't fighting for the marriage the way I should. Not surprisingly, new efforts to improve the relationship with my wife have also spurred me to a renewed commitment to fight the Y"H and guard the bris. I am also just in the past couple of days beginning to involve her more with this battle. I try to avoid all the gory details with her, but I am letting her know what are my particular areas of struggle and how she might be able to help me. We are just beginning, but it seems to be positive. They don't seem to be in quite as much danger of going of the derech, though I still have concerns (especially about my teen son). Well, that's a start for now. It will be Shabbos in a few more hours and I need to do a few things.