I've had this gnawing feeling for a few days now.
I remembered a non-Jewish acquaintance of the opposite gender from the distant past... Barely an acquaintance.
I started having all these thoughts, justifying a simple little E-mail.
I'll just mention the one thought I had that out-does them all: "If you've got such a strong feeling for this, maybe she's in serious danger! Maybe she's on the verge of suicide! A frum yid with a Torah perspective is exactly what she needs right now! I've got a Divine imperative to find out how she's doing. Maybe you're the only one in the world right now that can save her life!"
I even started writing a little E-mail.
As I wrote, I realized there was nothing I could write that didn't make me feel stupid for writing it.
Then, I was thinking, "I'm trying to hide this from my wife - it CAN'T be the right thing to do!" LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
And, "What's the point? What the heck am I expecting to accomplish with this?"
And, "If it's such a mitzvah to reach out to old acquaintances, aren't there plenty of male acquaintances to track down? How come I never think of writing to them? This must really be LUST!"
And, "Isn't it really weird if a married religious man is hunting down a shiksa? Won't even SHE think it's weird?!"
And, "Can I face my wife if I go through with this?" It's not innocent.
Please Hashem, save me from this lust.
I was thinking about this girl. WHY do I want to contact her? There's no chance it would lead to anything anyway, good OR bad!
Then, I was thinking. Hashem tells us to do Teshuva and to make an opening the size of a needle and He'll make it as big as a palace entrance. I think the Yeitzer hara works the same way.
ANY opening will do!
So the one that looks the most absurd and the most innocent - THAT'S an opening we'll willingly make. It looks so innocent that we'll even think G-d himself is rooting for us!
And, once we've made an opening, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, it may be just a matter of time before the yeitzer has us doing what we once thought was unthinkable.
But it starts with something that WE DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE WANT TO DO IT, AND WE CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT!
Without thinking, we would say, "doesn't seem so bad, might as well." But the truth is, there's no logic to it, and it ISN'T SO INNOCENT.
It's a tiny opening, an eye of a needle, for the yeitzer. SO BEWARE.
And what's greater, doing aveiras or doing Teshuva?
So by the same token, the tiniest opening for Teshuva, NO MATTER HOW SMALL AND NO MATTER HOW SEEMINGLY ABSURD AND USELESS, is an opening nonetheless. It just may be a matter of time before we notice a difference, but every little bit of Teshuvah surely makes a big difference!