Day 1 was surprisingly easy, but Day 2 was a perfect example of where I would have fallen before finding this website. Throughout the day, from doing work to lying in bed, my whole body was just screaming for release. There were a few times it got so bad that I couldn't focus at all anymore - I really felt like I was drugged.
And that's when my good old friend (the Yetzer Hara) started speaking -
"Come on, you aren't even 2 full days in. You picked a bad time to start being clean - your body can't physically do it right now. It's not any fault of your own. You can start clean tomorrow."
"Look at what this staying clean is doing to you. Hashem knows you can't fight this. This is obviously a test you weren't meant to pass."
"Look at yourself. You're a wreck. You know the Possuk says V'chai Bo'hem. Hashem wants you to live a normal and enjoyable life - not to be in pain like this."
This is the point where I have always fallen before. I am a fighter and I always will be. It's just my nature. But I've always lost the fight when the lust gets this bad - when I can't focus or get anything done. The only way I can continue with life is to give in to my taaivos "just one last time".
So I did something I have never done before and it actually worked!! When I first read the GYE handbooks and joined the forum I saw this strategy of "surrendering" and I said to myself, "Lame. This is Not for me. Giving up and admitting you're too weak to fight? That's for wimps. Nothing can control anyone so much that they can't beat it." But there were a few times yesterday that I was literally tearing out my hair to stop myself from sinning. So what did I do?
I just closed my eyes and said, "Hashem, I can't do this on my own any more. You know that I have tried fighting in these type of situations and lost, time and time again. Please! I need You to help me through this."
I did this at least four or five times during the day when my taaivos felt unbeatable, and Hashem was really there for me!!
It's funny because I am not the type of person that "talks" to Hashem outside of davening. Interestingly, I don't think I ever would have reached that level of feeling close to Hashem if it wasn't for reaching that low level of having nowhere else to turn.
And this is just after 72 hours clean!! Onwards! Day 3 - going on 90!