Having given him all the necessary information, I then asked him for guidance. I didn't leave there, I needed the comfort and loving support of being in my Rebbe's presence (he is like a father to me). Finally he walked out and I just sat there dazed, mortified, and overcome with a feeling that I had never experienced so powerfully before: Shame.
When Yosef Hatzadik told his brothers "Ani Yosef", the Medrash Tanchuma describes how they couldn't bear to stand before him!! The same Yehudah that the malachei hashareis had said "let us go watch the SHOR [ox/yosef] do battle with the ARI [lion/Yehuda]" could no longer approach him!! "Ki Nivhalu Mipanav" - they were utterly ashamed before him!" So too, Hakadosh Baruch Hu will tell every one of us one day, "Ani Hashem - I am Hashem", and we will be utterly ashamed!
That day, I felt a taste of that shame! My Rebbe Muvhak, who I am so close too and who views me so highly, saw my disgrace. I didn't know what he would think of me from then on.
The feeling didn't leave me. I davened Maariv with a broken heart, but it wasn't enough. There was something else I needed to do. So I drove to an empty Beis Medrash and locked the doors. What does a yid do when he doesn't know where to turn? Tehilim! I stood at the amud and started "Ashrei haish asher lo halach"...kapitel 1. I had no plan of how much to finish. I merely read and cried. With every word, my tears became sobs, and my sobs became weeping. I had never cried like that in my life. I cried so hard, I couldn't read. 'Nehi, bechi tamrurim'. I davened only the first 20 kappitlach Tehilim, but I was wiped. I felt as if I had no more tears left.
Then the Rambam in hilchos Teshuva came to mind. I had charatah (regret), I was misvadeh (confessed), and I made a kaballah le'atid (accepted for the future). But I had NO idea how to stop??? And so I continued...
But a few days after all this, I found the GuardYourEyes website. Between surfing p**n and reading the stories, I decided to post mine (the moderator put it up on the site over here). The feelings it dug-up while writing it were so powerful, that I had the ability to change. But the full magnitude of my situation really hit me when I read back my own story on the site. And that's when I started to really change. Two weeks clean, then off for a week, and finally, I succeeded for 7 months straight with no fantasies, no masturbation, no touching (down there), no looking at women/girls for pleasure at all. During this whole period, I only had an occasional slip when I was caught off-guard, or when I wasn't aware of my surroundings. True, I didn't have internet access even if I wanted then, but that zman let me "dry-out".
I just want to say to the moderator of this site: I owe you my life, my kesher to my Rebbeim, my relationship with a future wife/children, ruchnius, gashmius, and biggest of all, my chelek le'Olam Haba. I am crying as I write this, and I hope to one day show you my hakaras hatov!
To sum up, the only way for me to have reached where I did was by fessing-up, and the shame that it involved. Do it, and it will give you the emotional shake-up that it may take to break free. The more it hurts, the more it can help. Hashem will surely guide you..
See Tool #9 of the GYE Handbook for more on the power of Accountability and of sharing your struggle with a friend or mentor.