I had built-up a very close kesher with my rebbe who knew everything about me, for better and for worse. Although I was a very good bachur, I still had my quirks, and I hid nothing from him. Except for one secret. There was a whole side to me that I had never revealed to anyone. It was my secret; I had to live with it alone, and could never reveal it to a soul. I was a p**n junkie, and I mas***d so often that my body's production couldn't keep-up with my 'bathroom breaks'. But my rebbeim respected me, I was a top bachur, and I was known to be shomer einayim. Just a week prior, I had mentioned to my Rebbe (in passing) that with all my extended visits to his home, I didn't (and don't) know what his older daughters look like!
How could I afford to lose all of that?
But Hakadosh Baruch Hu backed me into a corner, and the only way to decide on the next stage in my life required me to fess-up. But I couldn't! I had made an ironclad decision to never reveal it, and I wasn't about to change my mind. So I tried a weak admission at first, that "I have a hard time on off-Shabbosim. Between the trip home and newspapers/circulars lying around the house...". But my Rebbe didn't think that was enough of a reason to justify the issue we were discussing. So I had no choice,"No, Rebbe", I continued... "normal bachurim, when they fall, they fall this low [I motioned with my hand to shoulder level], but when I fall.... (hesitant blush...), I fall this low [I motioned to knee height]". He looked at me cross-eyed, not exactly sure what to make of the distance between my hand and the floor, in practical terms.
So I had no choice, I took a sip from the cup in front of me and offered him one too, but he was interested in nothing but the confession which was apparent that I would make. I mentioned the Gemara of "kol ha'gadol mechaveiro, Yitzro Gadol heimenu"(who ever is greater than his friend, his Yetzer is greater than him too), and that some good bachurim watch 'not kosher' movies, and... I couldn't get the words out... "Internet"... My voice was cracking and quivering, and I was on the verge of tears. I took a deep breath, looked away from my Rebbe, stared hard at the floor, and I realized that I would say it now... once and for all. But he saved me the effort, it was obvious enough. "You look at p**n**phy...". The words burnt through me, I merely nodded, utterly ashamed.
My Rebbe thought I was a nebach, breaking down with the confession of a rare and short-lived aveira. So he comforted me that I wasn't the worst guy on earth, and sure it's a bad thing, but "you don't have to break into tears". It wasn't going to be as easy as I thought. I realized that I'm gonna have to convince him that I am absolutely addicted to p***. Once the conversation was started, I had to come-out fully, once and for all. I was definitely NOT interested in doing this again!
He gave me the opening... "When was the last time you watched it?" I don't know what he was expecting, but definitely not this. "The last time I was home for an off-Shabbos"... So he's thinking 'big whoop'... "And the time before that, I spent three whole days glued to the computer.... until I got TIRED of it....". I was already utterly ashamed, so I didn't mind clarifying the situation more: "I used to be 'a junkie', then I came to this yeshiva, and lost internet access. But when I got a 'smart phone' I would watch every time I went to the bathroom". His face was changing colors and expressions. "Then I hit rock bottom in the middle of first year Beis Medrash, and started to turn around. I found a book 'The Magic Touch by Gila Manolson' and found out about the concepts of shomer negiah and girlfriends being assur. So I checked up the Igros Moshe, and learned that assur meant "Yehareig velo Ya'avor". That's when - and why - I started being shomer einayim. My addiction lessened over the years in Yeshiva (as I got over my depression), but I am still fully addicted."
He was blown off his feet. His top bachur (who can spend days in a house with girls his age and not know what they look like!!!) is addicted to watching the most graphic n***ity available! And he had thought he knew everything about me and my life, inside out...
Having given him all the necessary information, I then asked him for guidance. I didn't leave there, I needed the comfort and loving support of being in my Rebbe's presence (he is like a father to me). Finally he walked out and I just sat there dazed, mortified, and overcome with a feeling that I had never experienced so powerfully before: Shame.
When Yosef Hatzadik told his brothers "Ani Yosef", the Medrash Tanchuma describes how they couldn't bear to stand before him!! The same Yehudah that the malachei hashareis had said "let us go watch the SHOR [ox/yosef] do battle with the ARI [lion/Yehuda]" could no longer approach him!! "Ki Nivhalu Mipanav" - they were utterly ashamed before him!" So too, Hakadosh Baruch Hu will tell every one of us one day, "Ani Hashem - I am Hashem", and we will be utterly ashamed!
That day, I felt a taste of that shame! My Rebbe Muvhak, who I am so close too and who views me so highly, saw my disgrace. I didn't know what he would think of me from then on.
The feeling didn't leave me. I davened Maariv with a broken heart, but it wasn't enough. There was something else I needed to do. So I drove to an empty Beis Medrash and locked the doors. What does a yid do when he doesn't know where to turn? Tehilim! I stood at the amud and started "Ashrei haish asher lo halach"...kapitel 1. I had no plan of how much to finish. I merely read and cried. With every word, my tears became sobs, and my sobs became weeping. I had never cried like that in my life. I cried so hard, I couldn't read. 'Nehi, bechi tamrurim'. I davened only the first 20 kappitlach Tehilim, but I was wiped. I felt as if I had no more tears left.
Then the Rambam in hilchos Teshuva came to mind. I had charatah (regret), I was misvadeh (confessed), and I made a kaballah le'atid (accepted for the future). But I had NO idea how to stop??? And so I continued...
But a few days after all this, I found the GuardYourEyes website. Between surfing p**n and reading the stories, I decided to post mine (the moderator put it up on the site over here). The feelings it dug-up while writing it were so powerful, that I had the ability to change. But the full magnitude of my situation really hit me when I read back my own story on the site. And that's when I started to really change. Two weeks clean, then off for a week, and finally, I succeeded for 7 months straight with no fantasies, no masturbation, no touching (down there), no looking at women/girls for pleasure at all. During this whole period, I only had an occasional slip when I was caught off-guard, or when I wasn't aware of my surroundings. True, I didn't have internet access even if I wanted then, but that zman let me "dry-out".
I just want to say to the moderator of this site: I owe you my life, my kesher to my Rebbeim, my relationship with a future wife/children, ruchnius, gashmius, and biggest of all, my chelek le'Olam Haba. I am crying as I write this, and I hope to one day show you my hakaras hatov!
To sum up, the only way for me to have reached where I did was by fessing-up, and the shame that it involved. Do it, and it will give you the emotional shake-up that it may take to break free. The more it hurts, the more it can help. Hashem will surely guide you..
See Tool #9 of the GYE Handbook for more on the power of Accountability and of sharing your struggle with a friend or mentor.