Chapter 32- Morality
It’s the most important phrase for self-control. If we believe it, we won’t ever give in.
“What?” you want to know. “What could be so powerful?”
All right, I’ll tell you. Here it is:
“I don’t do that.”
That’s right. “I don’t do that.”
When we hold ourselves back from sinning, it’s not usually because we think about the consequences. It’s not because we remember about Hashem and the Torah. Desire has a way of making us forget about the future and about what really matters. We can contemplate these ideas and strengthen them until we can use them, but even so, they’re not usually what stops us. Maybe we hold back because it’s wrong. But listen carefully, and you’ll notice that most of the time, it sounds like this: I don’t do that!
Our rabbis teach that our feelings of morality — what we won’t do because it feels wrong — are influenced by how we identify ourselves. I am a person who doesn’t do that. It is wrong. What could be stronger than that? It is real, and it doesn’t disappear the second desire strikes.
Thus, the way we perceive ourselves has one of the strongest influences on what we won’t allow ourselves to do. If we view ourselves as people who don’t sin, we won’t (Rabbi Shafier, Shmuz 73: “Self Respect: the Basis of it All,” www.TheShmuz.com).
This is a major reason behind so many people’s spiritual struggles. Full of tricks to convince people that they are failures, the yetzer hara tries to make them identify as people who don’t control themselves. He causes them to think, “But I do commit these actions! I am a person who does these things!” This destroys their will to hold back, with devastating results.
The most extreme damage caused by this dirty tactic is when it makes the person feel hopeless. The yetzer hara tells him that even if he doesn’t indulge this time, his identity won’t change — he will still be a person who does these things. This crooked outlook gets the person to brand himself negatively if he notices any blemish while ignoring his successes and hard work. Knowing that he won’t think better of himself anyway convinces him that the exertion and pain of deprivation isn’t worth it. If he will still be a disgrace, what does he gain from trying? Naturally, he feels it’s not worth missing out on what he craves for nothing.
The yetzer hara can damage a person’s perceived identity after just one flop. If the person tends to focus on his mistakes and ignore all the times he worked so hard to hold back, any error can cause his identity to collapse, taking down his morality with it. He is in danger of thinking something along these lines: “I finally see that I have not been successful. I am a person who does these things. Anything I did right, even the months I controlled myself with great effort, makes no difference; I am still a sinner. I gained nothing from holding back, because despite it all, I’m still a failure.”
The way people perceive themselves is very important to them. If upon slipping up, a person thinks that his weeks of exertion don’t stop him from being labeled a failure, he will feel no better off for his efforts. This puts him in great danger.
But even if the yetzer hara can’t convince him that all is lost, the person is still susceptible to the big trick. The yetzer hara tries to persuade him that the temptation can’t be so wrong by reminding him that he has done it many times. Once the person remembers that he does this action, it does not seem so bad. It becomes harder to feel its severity and easier to make excuses.
This effect is magnified because it’s so hard to live with the realization that we did something wrong. Deciding that this action isn’t so bad eases the pain, so it seems like a great solution. But it leaves us vulnerable to giving in again.