I'm writing this to help others, to let them know that they are not alone that it is never too late. Teshuva is Hashem's gift to all of us. There is a way to erase and start a new...
I grew up in a non observant "traditional" home. I was pretty much like everyone else in my secular Jewish neighborhood, except I had a secret; a big dark secret that I can no longer ignore.
From an early age, my "sexual" energy was off the charts. I remember clearly being something like 10yrs old and staring for hours out my window hopping to catch a fast glance into my neighbor's bedroom... As I got older, I began to expand my repertoire. Peep Shows, Strip clubs, Massage parlors and swinger clubs... Telling myself that once I get married I will stop, but I never did... After a recent death in my family, I began to read the Jewish perspective of the soul's journey... The idea of a heavenly court where there was nothing to hide, scared me to death... My life; the cheating and deception would be all there...
One day after acting out, I was there playing with my child and wife and just imagined this scene being played out in the heavenly court after I died. I imagined my soul being shown this tape of me coming home from a massage parlor to my family... What would I say? What would be my defense? It scared me to death and I resolved to change. At first it was 100% out of fear, but as I read more about Teshuva, I realized that it had to come from my love of Hashem. I did some deep soul searching. There must have been a reason why I always had strong sexual urges (before puberty)... Maybe Hashem made me this way because this is what I need to fix... This is what my soul needs to repair... I had a choice, to continue along the same path, or to change... It hit me like a ton of bricks... Teshuva was Hashem's gift to me, and now I had the opportunity to actually do it, today, while I'm still alive. When my judgment day comes, I hope I can say, "those sins are not mine, they belong to a different person".
I feel my Teshuvah is not just out of fear, but also out of love for Hashem, for it is He alone who brought me to realize what I was doing to both my physical and spiritual self... I thank G-d that I woke up before it was too late to rectify my errors... I now have the opportunity to do Teshuva everyday for the rest of my life... How thankful I am to Hashem that I have this opportunity. And you know what? So do you! Perhaps this is what your Soul needs to repair in this life. This is the change you need to make to enter and take your rightful place in gan eden. Be thankful that you realized this while still alive and can make the change today. Remember that Teshuva is Hashem's gift to all of us, so be wise and use it!
I am now examining my life and I want to add mitzvahs into my life... I am from a secular background, as is my wife, but I'd rather be on a journey of Jewish learning and adding Mitzvahs, then on the path I was on... G-d forbid, had I died 3 weeks ago before Teshuva, I would have been stuck in a very scary place for perhaps eternity... How blessed am I that I can do Teshuva for the rest of my life and turn it all around. Thank you Hashem.
Mike sent us an update a few months later:
I just wanted to give you an update since I wrote my story a couple of months ago.
Believe me, if I can keep up the fight, then surely those who are more learned then I, should have even greater strength. For starters, I have not "wasted" any seed for close to 3 months. I have been tempted, but I refrained. I have slipped only once and visited some inappropriate sites ("my old stomping grounds"), but I quickly stopped before things went too far. I have fantasized about my previous experiences, but I have fought hard to stop that as well.
I believe that the reason urges and thoughts occur is because Hashem wants to test us to see if our Teshuvah is in fact "for real". I have read and truly believe that these urges, images, etc. come to us; because it is a chance for us to elevate ourselves. If we can deny our urges, we have in fact won our battle over the Yetz Harah and have reached a higher level. I know this battle is a very hard one and we all have this animal urge, but if we can master it, fight it, and struggle with it, we are surely gaining Hashem's praise. The fact that so many use your website, is in itself proof that we are struggling and desire to change. Even if some have slipped, they should feel proud that they continue to struggle... It is easy to give up completely and give way to sin. There are many out there who do this without any thought. The battle in itself is full of merit, even if one fails.