Hi everyone.
I thought it would be fair to post and let all of my friends and supporters know that yesterday was my 90th not-acting out day. A year ago I told people here that my doing 90 days would be impossible. Baruch shechiyani vekiyimani, vehigiati lazman ha-ze! Thank G-d I'm alive to live this moment!
I feel that for me, it's time to stop counting days, or weeks. Maybe stop counting at all. Just live life with the fact that acting-out isn't a good option anymore for my anxiety (what you guys might know as R.I.D.). I have other healthier tools to deal with anxiety. Going for a walk. Playing with my kids. Talking to my wife. Talking to myself. Talking to my therapist. Upping my medication dosage (just kidding... sort of).
I sort of feel like I've passed the first level of a video game. It feels good, but you know when the screen displays "Level 2: Start" that the work has just begun. Now, I'm no longer hiding from the real issues by running to p*rn, I can work on the real issues that took me to p*rn. For example, I'm working on my anger, which is just another way of acting out from anxiety, (just not sexually). Again, my point is that the p*rn isn't the problem, and the anger isn't the problem. The issues that cause the anxiety that bring me to anger (and used to take me to p*rn) are the problem.
Thank G-d I'm finally living, no longer just "surviving". However I'll be honest, living in the "real" world IS harder than living in the "fantasy" world we create for ourselves when we surf p*rn. But, ask yourselves this: At the end of your lives, do you want to say to yourselves (and I guess to G-d) that you lived, faced challenges, and dealt with them maturely and as best you could, or do you want to say that you lived your lives in a virtual dream world, cut off from your families and from reality, and didn't face any of the challenges you were put here to face?
You might ask yourselves, that's fine after 120 years, but what's in it for me now (living a "real" life)? Here's the instant payback for us: "Real" relationships take much more work than "virtual" ones, but they are much, much more real and satisfying.
Love you all. Thanks for your prayers and support. G-d bless.