1) My fears are that he does not care or love me (which I know are not true).
2) I also fear that I am not good enough and not deserving of his attention (deep down I know that is not true either).
3) I learned that I too am not giving him enough attention in other ways! And besides, I don't give enough attention to others who deserve my attention too. And my excuse??? I am only a human being!
Once I realized that I too am lacking in those areas that I am resentful for, and once I realize that my fears are just "fears" and not reality, the resentment becomes almost nonexistent!
Today, a relative of mine called me, telling me how angry she feels against someone. It had to do with money, and she was determined to do her very best to recover that money, and she was seething mad.
I told her that it is a very uncomfortable and distressing situation and she needs to do her very best Hishtadlus to get her money back, BUT, the "results" need to be left to Hashem. Once she realized that the results (having her money back or not) is truly determined by Hashem, she calmed down!
This is how I am these days. I look at my life and what I do - I am on the "action committee" and Hashem is the "results" committee. I am so much more at peace because Hashem is a reality for me. I feel Hashem is holding me every step of the way throughout my day, and somehow I feel Hashem's love for me and it is a feeling that I treasure.
I would not have all this and much more without my abstinence. I know that every day that I have abstinence from my addictions it is a true gift from Hashem.
My mind and heart are free and open to receive Hashem and feel His love for me, because my brain is not fogged from the food or busy with lust.
My life is far from perfect. I have challenges all the time - with my kids, family, health, financially, etc. etc. BUT today, I am not consumed with worry or nerves. Today, I am not burying myself and escaping through my addictions. Today I have peace and serenity because I know that Hashem is with me 100%.
I never liked to "feel" my feelings. This is why I ate over everything. And that is why why I was watching movies and reading books, for hours on end. I wanted to escape from my feelings and from reality.
Today I do not escape. I feel my feelings and many times it can be very uncomfortable. But today I know that it is OK to feel. "Feelings" will not kill me. I do not need to escape, because it will pass.
Another wonderful thing that has happened to me, is that I see Hashem's hand in my life EVERY SINGLE DAY! I constantly see Hashem's help in my life! I am SO grateful for that - THANK YOU HASHEM FOR OPENING MY EYES TO SEE YOUR GOODNESS!
Thank you to whoever read through this megila. It is a service for me to share because it reinforces my recovery.
Many find themselves in destructive behavior when they feel pain and don't see a way out. When I felt pain, I wanted a way to avoid it ...which only took me further from reality.
It's OK to sit with pain ... it's better than the mind-numbing behaviors that remove us from the world.
Thank G-d that we FEEL AGAIN! ... even if it's pain.
Be assured that you are making progress!