The Library

I had a miracle today which also reminds me how sick I am and can lose my new-found sanity in a matter of seconds. I've been abroad with my wife for a few weeks, I had with me a little dinky phone which I would never have imagined would be able to support any picture online, let alone porn.

But then just a few hours ago, literally a half hour before getting on the plane and thus ending the service on the phone, my wife shows me that she can get gmail and google and the works. And my mind starts racing. Then I was in the bathroom around 10 minutes before boarding the plane, and I just had to know if it had it for real. So I googled "porn", and lo and behold a list of sites. I clicked on one, and yes the pictures did load up, on my dinky little phone. I saw one, and then a second. I hadn't seen this sort of stuff in almost 2 years. And I was powerless, that means that the picture is stronger than me.

A bit drunk from these rather disgraceful images of people doing private things in public, but I'm grateful that I immediately closed the phone and boarded the plane, and didn't need to check to see if the videos could also play on my dinky little phone.

While pursuing the insanity, I kept on thinking something which I'm very grateful for - if I get drunk and lose my sobriety, I won't be there for my wife - and my life is with her, not with these hot losers. Maybe that's why I stopped right away and am now feeling pretty good, who knows? I'm just really grateful for a taste of recovery, to see the garbage and have even the vaguest sense of what it really is.

I've been around the world several times in the last few months, had many opportunities to porn my brains out, and surrendered them all (albeit imperfectly, because I'm a human and a sexaholic) with the help of my Higher Power and the Program. I was at my parents' house for a while, saw them for the first time in my life from a sober place (and it's really, really, different), and did a ton of 9th Step amends which I can truly be proud of, and more importantly I can taste the fruits of the 12 Promises that were written about this Step. And now I'm minutes away from the end, entering the proverbial "reentry zone" back into the regular life, sitting literally several feet away from the runway of the "flight to freedom".

But this is such a hug from Hashem. I had this phone for over half a month, if I had known from the beginning that there was internet who knows where I would be now, with constant availability and no accountability. Yet my Higher Power protected me the entire time from knowing that, only minutes before the end of the journey did he show me that there even was a possibility to fall, and even then I managed to slip, and again He helped me stop before it was too late. Hashem is really on my side, He protects me from my own self-destructive instincts, and then shows me how I really could have fallen and lost my life had I known about it, because even in the last 10 minutes I managed to slip.

Thank You, Hashem for another sober day (so far), please keep me sober for just one more day, and give me the strength to do Your will.