I’m starting school again tomorrow - very nervous, anxious and afraid despite the fact that I left on a really good note. I decided to take some time out and reaffirm to myself who I am and what I’m doing here. I also have a colleague who I have to work closely with but who is very difficult and not-so-nice (to put it sweetly!) to me. (I would never have been able to write this before I began working the 12-Step program- it’s insane!)
Here goes:
This is just some free flowing thoughts in preparation for work tomorrow. And that’s all it really is - work, a job. It is not my life. It does not define me. It is something I pour many hours into, something that I want to excel in, and work hard in doing so, but at the end of the day, I am I independent of my job, how a class went, how I’m treated or viewed by other members of the staff… I am answerable only to G-d. My Higher Power. I wake up every day to do His Will and nothing else. I pray that He gives me the clarity to see what to do next and the strength to carry that out. All of my success is because He has granted me that talent, ability, or idea. I take no credit for myself. When I do things my way, it invariably becomes selfish, self- seeking, and probably dishonest. When I invoke G-d’s help, I rely on Him 100% and then leave no room for doubts or remorse. However, I am human so I do make mistakes. Sometimes I don’t do G-d’s Will and things do go wrong. I need to accept this too. I make mistakes. And that’s ok, because so does everyone. Everyone makes mistakes and hopefully tries their best to put it right after, and that’s the most anyone can ask for. Life is a learning process and it is through the struggles that I emerge stronger, wiser, with new attitudes and experiences to share. I do not have to cower away from difficult situations. I can confront them, face them, and learn from them. I want to be a better individual, I want to do G-d’s Will, and I want to help His people.
To the difficult colleague:
You do not have the power to change how I feel about myself, how I feel about my day, or how I feel about my life in general. You may hurt me- sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally- but you are just a messenger coming to deliver a blow I have to get over. And I will get over it. I have been in difficult situations before and I have allowed them to build me, not break me. I have come a long way and you will not set me back. I have rights; you will not take them away. You will not abuse me. I can stand up for myself. I will stand up for myself. I am allowed to say no. I will say no. I hope to treat you with decency and respect no matter what. I will not spread gossip about you or come to harm you or your job in any way despite how you treat me. I will try my best to treat you like a child of G-d. I do not know what you have been through that makes you act this way towards me, neither can I be your judge, jury or executioner. I will check in with others and deal with my emotions as they arise instead of burying them, and burying myself. You will be a key part of my recovery, of learning about myself and making myself into a better person, so I can carry out G-d’s Will.
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GYE Responds:
Wow. This is beautiful, you have come so far... What you write here reminds me of something I heard last night from Patrick Carnes, one of the world's leading experts on sex addiction.
Listen to these 4 minutes of this video: From 1.21.26 ... ["I see these guys a lot (sex addicts) they end up on my doorstep and they are wrecks."]... until 1.25.20.