Yesterday I fell and looked at some internet pornography. It wasn't the worst kind of fall, since I only spent 10 minutes or so looking and then stopped.
I had tried hard to ignore the urge a first, and I managed to distract myself for about an hour. But when the idea pops into my head, it becomes an obsession and even if I delay it, I can't seem to make it go away.
I'm not feeling down about it because I feel that I put up a decent fight. I just hope to be more successful next time.
Aryeh, it's so impressive to hear how you've cut off the relationship with the non-Jewish woman, and how you've been mostly clean for the last 3 months. But to stop after 10 minutes - that's even more impressive! An addict can't stop. We simply can't stop once we started. Only Hashem can stop us.
When the obsession strikes, we have no hope unless we admit we can't win - and simply give over the struggle to Hashem. "Kovei Hashem Yachalifu Koach". We literally, "switch strengths" with Hashem.
You are far more beloved to Hashem than you can even begin to imagine. He is crazy about you.
Thank you so much Guard. Just today, I was thinking about how hard it will be not to fall back to my old ways and contact this woman when I go home for the Thanksgiving break. I'm feeling the pull to do it, and I'm afraid. I actually had just checked her Facebook profile before I came on GYE, a step in the wrong direction that I haven't taken in weeks. So yeah, it's pretty spooky how surgically precise your last two comments have been in helping me.
As a matter of fact, I'm proud to announce to the Olam that I just scheduled my Facebook account for deletion. It is pure trash and a slip waiting to happen. I thought I needed it for contact information, but that was a lie of the Yetzer Hara. Facebook is trash. I encourage everyone here to get rid of it. No more looking at women, imbibing all sorts of lashon hara and lewdness, no more unfiltered nonsensical opinions on everything. In short, one step in the right direction.
BTW, I was shocked to find out that there is simply no way to instantly delete your account. They merely deactivate it. If you Google how to delete the account, you find non-Facebook people giving instructions on how to do it. The site itself completely hides this option. Nonetheless, it is possible to schedule your account for deletion within 14 days. PM me if you are unsure how to do this and want to.