It's now been a full year!!!
I can't believe it. It's been some journey. My emotions are mixed and powerful.
I joined this holy forum 1 year ago as a broken fellow - engaging in pornography and phone sex from time to time. Masturbation was not a problem - but oh my!!! The guilt would lie so very heavy on me.
I really have not engaged in viewing porn or phone sex for an entire year, and I even have had stretches of months when things seemed to be as smooth as ever.
However, I did have many slips along the way, even a couple of days ago. This has made me very uneasy. Gibbor120, who has been sober, I believe, for over 5 years, just posted that the journey is still challenging at times. These words were so crucial and timely for they have given me the reassuring feeling of ease and tranquility I desperately need. So, I am apprehensive about keeping my sobriety. Yet, I am one happy dude as well.
How did I do it?
I joined GYE and began to post and learn. I learned quickly that I CANNOT DO IT- and that we are truly powerless and need to give the fight over to Hashem. I was a total Am Ha'aretz in this area and seriously needed guidance. The forum was my tool of learning. I have not gone to meetings or read the White Book. As well, my wife is not aware of my "challenge" (illness, if you will).
I davened a lot and learned from you guys that you have to be very diligent in keeping a far distance from triggers. The Y"H is so shrewd in this regard!
Perhaps the greatest of gifts I received from the forum is the ability to lend a helping hand. I have two members whom I sponsor. These are relationships I cherish so. They are both so honest and caring. Also, I believe they are both more intelligent than I am. The fact they sought me out and continuously seek my friendship and counsel is a most humbling matnas chinam.
In truth, almost every part of the forum is a mussar unto itself.
Just to name a few:
Reading the posts of those who just joined. Sensing within their words their desperation and helplessness. To know I was there not so long ago. To know that to go back to the depths of this gehinnom is unfortunately just a few taps of the computer away.
Observing how some with multiple addictions pick themselves up, go to meetings, and can even quote the "book" chapter and verse is inspiring. It shows a level of allegiance to their goal and perseverance of spirit that I can only dream of.
Observing the outpouring of care that so many show to those who need help especially after a crushing fall r"l.
To see people get up time after time after time only to eventually make it. For here on the forum, there are only two types. Those who are in recovery and those on the way.
From the depths of my heart, I thank you Hashem.
And thank you members of the forum, for continuously holding my hand, guiding me, and giving me the opportunity to give back.