Dear Past,
It has been time to write this for a while, and we have been on a break here for some time. Here I am, still alive without you. I thought you and I were joined at the hip and never going to split, but this is my goodbye to you. I don't resent you, for you are not where the fault lies. Yes, you are tempting and sometimes extremely desirable, but that is not what I need. I need sanity and order. I do not need you to live. I thought you were my water and sustenance, which would drive me through every problem I had. But all you were was a crutch to help me get to the next moment of desire. In my mind you were a toy, and now that I grew up I do not need toys. I have found something better to spend my time on: LIFE.
Goodbye to the hotel rooms, the text messages, the emails, the websites and most of all, to the evening ladies. You, my past, are like a bad girlfriend that you start out liking how she makes you feel, but after a while you truly understand that she is causing you to go insane. I was sick to use you the way I did, but I didn't know that at the time. I now understand that I don't need you. I don't need the small high I would get. Life is a better high then anything I used to do in watching or participating with someone that only wants to take my money. I have a heart and feelings. You have given me no comfort or support. Most of all, I have pride on how I should act. Being with you doesn't give me a great feeling. All it does is give me a way to escape reality. But life is reality, for good and for bad.
I do not need the hours of looking at porn nor those sick encounters, to function. I don't miss the lies to myself and to everyone around me. I don't miss the thought in the back in my head, "what if my wife finds out?" And I especially don't miss the times where I would bounce from one form of the addiction to another, suddenly discovering that my entire day was gone. I don't miss it at all.
I need to feel loved and welcomed for who I am. I have found that without you. All that surrounds me, is exactly what I need; True love of a spouse; Honest loyalty from my kids; Gratitude from my friends. What did you ever give me other then a quick high and less money? NOTHING!!
I need to teach my kids to be honorable people. They should never be people that sneak around on a computer or in hotel rooms. My marriage is much more important. I need good and decent people; structured with G-d - and with love and feelings. Am I scarred by you? Yes. But will I come out stronger without you, YES!!!!!!!! I am putting you on a dark shelf in the closet of my brain, where the stupid and dumb stuff I have done, resides. I will never forget you and how you made me feel. I was an empty shell that had no feelings nor true heart.
It's time to say goodbye to you, you who seemed like a family member of my youth. You made me think that sex was something I could have whenever I wanted it. Sex is not something to just get and move on with the day. It's a special time with someone you feel love for, it's not just for "getting" pleasure. It is a place of true security, and it is meant to be an ingredient to one's life. It's not what makes our life.
You ask "where I will go without you", well I am going to better places. I am going to go out to dinner with my wife, or to see my kids more and work more. I am going to live life to the fullest. I am not going to get caught up with you anymore. I don't need you to survive. I now have natural highs. "Living" is truly the best way to move forward. I can't even thank you for anything. You are my past, all I want now is my future with family, G-d and friends. The only thing I want to say is "goodbye and good riddance".
Goodbye, lust, goodbye.
Sci1977