Dear guardureyes, yesterday was my one-year anniversary on GYE. What is a birthday for if not for reflecting on the past year? Have we grown? Are we the same as we were last year? Well, for 38 years straight, I was the same every year, YEAR IN AND YEAR OUT. On Yom Kippur, the bracha says, 'umavir ashmosainu bichol shana v'shana'- which means G-d wipes out our sins every year. Well, until I found GYE, I was asking every year for Him to wipe out my sins. This year, for the first time in my life, I DO NOT HAVE TO ASK HIM TO WIPE OUT THIS SIN, BECAUSE I DIDN'T GO TO THAT PLACE EVEN ONCE. Of course, I still need help on my OTHER sins, which are many. But, at least, on this one particular sin, He can rest this year :-) So, thank you, thank you, and thank you again for doing this tremendous, tremendous tova for the Jewish world. May Hashem grant you and your family and friends and all who are dependent on you, much bracha and continued hatzlacha with your holy, holy work.
If Jack can do it, we ALL can!
Jack suffers from so many things, low self esteem, anxiety, abusive childhood, fear and constant pain (from a burst appendix in his youth which never fully healed), and he was heavily addicted for 38 years! Jack is mechayev (obligates) us all.
For 15 years, every single time I needed it, I just followed it until I was sick, and then resolved never to do it again. That lasted for a day or two, maximum a week, and then I was right back. So now, what do I expect of myself - that it's going to be easy?! I know it will be hard, but I'm trying all the same.
It was good timing that today's chizuk email spoke about Jack, I followed his story a year ago and he really is mechayev (obligates) us all. I don't usually cry (I leave that to my wife), but I read his posts and story and my eyes were filled with tears.
Jack's story is unbelievable. I am so encouraged when I see people that did it. Real people. Normal people who make me realize that I can do it too. Unbelievable.
Yes, it's hard for me to believe myself. I went through torture, if you remember. But it was worth it, boy was it worth it. It would have been much much easier not to do anything about it, but I grabbed on to you guys, and I never let go. And I don't plan on ever letting go.
I have to remember that I can fall any time at the drop of a hat. So far I haven't, but I know I have to be on my guard every second. Just this morning I thought about what would be born from my actions if I would stumble, and it stopped me. I AM an addict and I have to watch it.
And by the way, Rabbi Twerski says that someone can become an addict to anything, such as alcohol, as long as it fills a void. Remember the 'void' that I cried about last year and you wrote to Rabbi Twerski twice for me (see here and here)? Well, B"H I don't feel that void anymore. Don't ask me why, because I won't be able to tell you, but I just don't feel it anymore.
Dear GYE family,
As you know, I only have sporadic access to GYE these days at the library (if there's no line). So, I want to wish everybody a CLEAN year, and I want to tell you that I love you all for the efforts you are making. Yes, it's extremely difficult, but the rewards are worth it. Any addiction can ruin our lives if carried too far. It ruins families - do you want that? Taken to its extreme, it can even be deadly - do you want that? Do you want your picture on the front page of the New York Post with the following headline: 'JEWISH ORTHODOX MAN SEEN IN THE MOST DECADENT PLACE ON EARTH!'? The post would love to print that story - and your life will be ruined. Do you think they care? They just want one thing - to sell papers, period. THINK man, THINK!! This is all BESIDES transgressing the will of G-d!!!!
Do Teshuva now. It is before Rosh Hashanah - one day now counts more than any other time of year! Please, get the treatment you need. And remember to have patience. Help might not come right away, it might take time to find the right support, the right people; but at least you're trying! And above all, DON'T GIVE UP! NEVER give up the fight! No matter how many falls; as it says "seven times the Tzadik falls and gets up". Seven is just an arbitrary number. It means even a thousand! And remember, you can't do it alone. It is only a rare person that can do it alone.
And lastly, if you get clean, don't let gaava (pride) get you! Gaava can bring you down faster than you can blink an eye! Never let your guard down!
A good and blessed year to everyone,
Jack
I want you to know that I have thought about Jack many times over the past year and I was sure that by now he had relapsed, big time. The fact that is still clean give me HUGE hope, although I would love to know if he doing anything to keep himself sober (maintenance), or was his original 90 days enough to keep him going till now?
Please tell him that the 90 days was VERY important in the struggle. One must have those 90 days under his belt. After that, I wouldn't say it's a breeze, but it's a lot easier. But even then, we have to keep in mind that a fall CAN lead back into the addictive cycle if we're not careful. But those initial 90 days are CRUCIAL - I can't emphasize this enough; and that means 90 days with NO falls. It's like taking antibiotics, it has to be continuous for it to have an effect on the bloodstream. Here too, we have to have a continuous streak to effect the nervous system. And the studies show that 90 days is the time needed for this. AA knew this already 80 years ago, even BEFORE there were any studies. In AA they suggest 90 meetings in 90 days to really get a person started.
One more thing - no, the 90 days alone isn't enough. You have to keep the kesher (connection) with your support people, otherwise you may slip back into the addictive cycle. So, I have kept up my kesher with our leader (yup that's me, the humble "guard") and I call my sponsors from time to time, just to keep up my kesher. Without my sponsor Elya (see our hotline here), I NEVER could have accomplished what I accomplished. He was always there, and I mean always. He listened to me scream and cry over the phone and he didn't say anything, because he knew what I was going through. And I did it! It was the most unbearable voluntary pain that I ever put myself through. But I had people to support me, and that made ALL the difference in the world. I felt their love through the phone and emails and the forum, and for the first time in my life I felt loved, even though I never met or spoke by phone to our our leader. And "Mevakesh" showed me that he loves me too, even though I never met him, but I did talk to him on the phone (see Mevakesh's story here). Love and acceptance is what it's all about; and that's what I was missing in my life. Some Rabbis who don't understand the power of addiction will just tell you to stop, and I don't criticize them, because how can they know better if they didn't study addictions? Do they know about dentistry? No, because they didn't study it. Addiction is a medical condition; and that's why Rabbi Twerski knows about it, because he studied it.
So anyway, here I am now, one year clean (with only one slip), and I can't believe my own progress in this area. And I wish the same for you!
Jack