Sometimes I wonder, "how can an amazing guy do nonsense like this?" I was thinking yesterday that I cannot really beat this addiction. Even if I put a filter on this computer at the university, there are five computers next to this one. I thought last night, just like a smoker smokes, a p-rn addict looks at p-rn. That is just my problem, and I must live with it. BUT I CANNOT LIVE WITH IT, BECAUSE EVERY DAY I LOOK AT THIS STUFF IT DESTROYS MY DAY AND NIGHT, AND IF I DON'T STOP IT WILL DESTROY MY LIFE AND MY DREAMS, AND I WILL EVENTUALLY GET INTO BIG TROUBLE.
Sorry to bore you with this. I just don't know who to turn to anymore.
Dear Ilan,
I would like to address three of your concerns:
1) The fact that you keep falling and can't seem to control it
2) The fact that installing a filter for you cannot really solve the problem
3) The fear that this will eventually destroy your life
(1) As far as not being able to control it, I just had a similar discussion this morning with an unmarried boy in Australia who also can't understand how he keeps falling again and again, even though he's been on our network for over a year and he had thought that he already internalized all the "Yesodos". But the moment he is faced with a serious lust trigger, everything he learned flies "out the window" and he falls.
Duvid Chaim recently shared with us all on the phone conference, that lust addiction is like an "allergy". If you'd be walking down an isle in a super-market and someone banged into you from the back with his shopping cart, once, twice, three times, you'd get really upset, no? You'd turn around and say "what's going on? Can't you watch where you're going?!"... But what if you turned around and saw that the guy was crippled and that he was trying to shop while balancing on crutches, would you yell at him? No, you'd say to yourself "nebach, poor guy" and even offer to help him.
We have to understand that we lust addicts are crippled in this area. We have an ALLERGY to lust. If someone is allergic to peanuts and he eats them anyway, his face will blow up. There's nothing he can do about it, he will never be able to "control" his allergic reaction; all he can do is avoid the peanuts in the first place. When a lust addict is faced with a trigger, he is powerless and will be pulled into it. Duvid Chaim explained to us that an addict will never be able to CONTROL his addiction, i.e. his allergic reaction to lust. Rather, the 12-Steps teach us how to be FREE from it.
To reinforce what I am saying above about the importance of the 12-Steps, and also to address (2) your concern that installing a filter can't really help you now, I want to remind you what Rabbi Twerski wrote to you once (since you shared this with me):
Dear Ilan,
The campaign by some haredi leaders to eliminate the internet, even if desirable, is not realistic. While anyone with a bit of know-how can work around a filter, it can nevertheless be of help to a person who is sincere in escaping from this quicksand.
Chazal say, "Tzoras rabbim chatzi nechama." I don't know if it applies to this. Yours was the fourth contact of its kind this week. Internet addiction has become epidemic among the frum men AND women! If you have a fax machine, I can send you copies of letters just like yours.
You are right. Promises don't help and nedarim don't help. Psychiatry and psychology are not of much help. It is very much an addiction over which self-controls don't work.
For alcohol and drug addiction, there are support groups of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. For sexual addiction there is Sexaholics Anonymous.
A frum person will say, "No way I can expose my problem by going to a meeting." I understand. There is a very fine, very frum young man who is in recovery from this problem. He'll be glad to talk with you. He does not need to know your name. The most effective help can come from someone who has overcome this problem. I'll e-mail you his number. You can call him and you will remain anonymous.
Twerski
So Ilan, we see from Rabbi Twerski's reply to you above, that although installing a filter can be of help in keeping it out of immediate reach, it is not meant to be an adequate solution on its own. We also see from his reply that "self-controls" don't work in cases of addiction, and your best bet is a 12-Step group.
So even if you are not ready to join an SA group in your area, join Duvid Chaim's daily group by phone! (See info at the bottom).
To the Chevra,
For those of you who have come "on board" the BBL&LSG (Big Book Lunch & Learn Study Group) Cruise Ship during the first three days of our Journey, I want to express my appreciation and admiration for your courage and commitment. I know it's very tough joining a new Fellowship of Men, each a stranger to the other, and all of us unsure if we feel totally safe.
This feeling is totally understandable and it fits quite well with the Cruise Ship analogy. I remember taking a cruise for the first time and got quite nervous when one of the first things they did was conduct an emergency drill. All of the passengers had to learn careful directions what to do, where to go and how to find your life preserver - all for the possibility that the ship might sink!!
And I thought that I paid big bucks to go on a vacation that was promoted as relaxing and luxurious. I guarantee you that when I woke up the next morning and saw that we were out in the middle of the ocean and there wasn't a drop of land in sight anywhere, I was beginning to wonder what had I gotten myself into. You can be sure that I knew exactly where my life preserver was and the route I needed to run to get to the escape boats.
In our discussion today, we discussed the ATTITUDE one must have to find success and recovery in the Program. Those who follow the history of the 12 Step AA Program recognize that the individual most likely to succeed in the Program and find recovery is the one who has hit rock bottom and has lost it all.
Chas V'Shalom though, that we should hit rock bottom. But ask yourself, "how really far away am I from rock bottom?" Just think how one small step, or one tiny mess up and how your world could come crashing in. Ask yourself "what would my life be like IF my spouse found out about my addiction or my kids or my boss or community? How quickly could my life end up in a nightmare, with divorce, kids that hated me, a community that rejected me?"
If your first response to my question is "how quickly can I get myself out of the Group and back into my isolation and seclusion", then you know that your attitude is pulling you in the wrong direction. INSTEAD, you should take my questions and think seriously, "where am I headed?" And "how comfortable have I become in my addiction that I think that I'm safe and in control?"
That's why in our call today, I asked everyone to now imagine that our Cruise Ship is the Titanic. You can be sure that all of the passenger that embarked on the Titanic paid a huge sum and were confident that they had boarded an "unsinkable Ship". Of course, we all know the rest of the Story.
The message of the Titanic is that we need to treat our addiction like a sinking ship and that MY LIFE DEPENDS ON THE 12 STEP PROGRAM! And only through a serious commitment to learning and working the Steps, will I find recovery and a life full of contentment, peace and connectedness to G-d, family, and to the precious Neshama that Hashem placed inside me.
YOU are your Neshama's LIFE PRESERVER. It's up to you to save it - BEFORE you hit rock bottom. (See Chizuk e-mail #441 on this page for more about "Hitting Bottom while Still on Top")
So please keep coming back, because YOU'RE WORTH IT!
Your friend,
Duvid Chaim