There was a discussion on the forum recently about using Mussar and "Sifrei Yirah" to break free of this addiction. Although this may work for people who are not deeply addicted, it rarely works in more serious cases. "Dov", who has 18 years of sobriety through SA, wrote a very profound post on this topic which I wanted to share with you all.
The main contribution of the 12 steps; their goal, is at the end: "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps..." Most of what I hear and experience in gaining this "spiritual awakening" i.e. a deeper connection to Hashem, is focused on getting myself out of the way and letting Hashem take over.
Yosef Hatzadik represents the middah of "Yesod" and the Torah tells us that when he tried to do things himself;"vehizkartani lifnei Paroah - mention me to Paroah" he ended up remaining in prison for another two years, but when he said "bil'adai, Elokim Ya'aneh es Shalom Paroah - it's not me, it is Hashem who will answer the well being of Paroah", then he rose up to become king in Mitzrayim!
It seems that the "12 Steps & 12 Traditions" indeed state this as the goal of the steps. In the seforim, on the other hand, teshuva, tikkun, emunah/bitachon, turning my will and life over to Hashem in accepting His Torah (and His better judgement!), and the myriad of levels in keeping the Torah and mitzvos, are all inexorably intertwined. This is good, as it brings yidden to living with Hashem from within their very weaknesses, and it shows us how the Torah and mitzvos are relevant to everyday life. Actually, they ARE for everyday life... a beautiful and powerful way to live!
BUT... it has a weakness for some addicts like me. You see, the addiction short-circuited my avodah (divine service). Like many GYE folks here, I was already frum before being out of control with lust, and my addiction continued to grow tremendously within the framework of my frumkeit, even as I thought I was growing frumer! That is a tremendously painful and confusing way to live. Definitely some variety of gehinom...
In recovery, I accepted that I could not just try harder (or smarter) to use my obviously defective version of yiddishkeit to overcome the addiction. (Every person operates per their own personal understanding of emunah, Torah/mitzvos, there is no gold standard).
For me, Yiddishkeit - especially with all the deep and beautiful aspects of teshuvah, avodah, and tikkunim - was like driving in an eighteen-wheeler at 100 mph! I was just not able to do it. It was too frustrating and complicated. My brain was too messed up, my ego and self-obsession was blocking out too much of reality, and I had the monkey of my sins on my back all the way. Life just drove me crazy. All the "one day at a time" talk in the universe was not enough to make me comfortable enough not to need to reach out for my drug. And it bothered me: "Why isn't Hashem taking care of me?! Why do I seem to absolutely need to reach for this shmutz? (we all feel we really NEED it when acting out, right?)"
I had to learn to get off the tractor-trailer and onto a bicycle. Same path, just in smaller steps and slower, and working them from the bottom up so that they are real and not separated from the heart any more.
But I needed direction for this. It meant the basics (yes, of yiddishkeit), but packaged in a way that let them become real enough to naturally affect my thinking, for they obviously had not till now.
Wow!
Next we will bring the rest of the excerpt from Dov's post, where he talks about how the 12-Steps helped him to learn "the basics (yes, of yiddishkeit), but packaged in a way that let them become real enough to naturally affect my thinking".
And I just want to bring the following two sentences from Dov again for extra emphasis because they are so profound and they really sum up what the 12-Steps are all about:
"I had to learn to get off the tractor-trailer and onto a bicycle. Same path, just in smaller steps and slower, and working them from the bottom up so that they are real and not separated from the heart any more".
Don't we all wish we had learned Yiddisheit like that when we were young? If we had, I believe we'd all be big Tzadikim today. But sometimes it takes an insidious addiction for us to finally start to learn the basics!
"I had to learn to get off the tractor-trailer and onto a bicycle. Same path, just in smaller steps and slower, and working them from the bottom up so that they are real and not separated from the heart any more".
Dov summarizes how he views the first 7 of the 12-Steps:
Step 1. "We admitted we were powerless over lust--that our lives had become unmanageable".
What is the truth about myself? I am an addict and hopelessly unable to beat lust, or use it in any way.
Step 2. "We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity".
Do I believe in Hashem? Not as a dogma (a shittah), but do I, can I actually believe that the all-powerful Creator really is here right next to me, sees me, and that He really is purely good? Yes, I can accept that and improve in that.
Ok, well can I believe that this power right next to me is actually concerned and "trying" to help me if I would just let him? And this, in spite of the fact that I have done terrible foul things, habitually, and lied about them? Yes, I can, and I can begin to work to accept that more fully.
Now, do I accept that everything He sends my way is for my benefit, because He alone knows what's best for me? Yeah, I guess.
Ok, so how about making a decision to turn my will and life over to him?
Step 3. "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God".
This means really believing the Sh'ma (Sh'ma Yisrael Hashem Elokeinu Hashem Echad - which is Step 2 above ) and the first possuk (Ve'ahavta es Hashem Elokecha, Bechol Levavcha, u'vechol nafshecha uvechol me'odecha - which is Step 3).
And the proof of that belief would be if I act consistent with this belief.
Well, I can't do that perfectly - I am all messed up!! (at least I can avoid lust to stay sober and work these steps to grow more sane!)... Well, comes the program at this point and offers the fourth step.
Step 4. "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves".
Finally a chesbon hanefesh. Not the reasons for why I do what I do, just the facts, just what happens. What is the problem of a person who reacts the way I do in these circumstances? What is actually wrong with such a person? With me? Not to change - I just want to admit it. No value-judgements, morality, reasons, nor "should"s in the 4th - "just the facts".
Wow. Every cheshbon hanefesh I had done before was about what I had done wrong, and that was considered in light of what'd have to be done about it. Not so here. The 4th Step was my first real chance to get the facts about myself in a way that I could not argue with. "Fearless Moral Inventory" - why be afraid? It's just the inescapable truth. It has nothing at all to do with the rest of the steps, or anything. One step at a time.
And the truth about me/you is beautiful when accepted. It's like seeing one's self for the very first time. (Why do we all avoid it so?)
Step 5. "We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs".
Step 6. "We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character".
Step 7. "We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings".
Afterward, with steps 5, 6, and 7, I can begin to get free of the twisted thinking that makes me so uncomfortable with living that temptations to act out begin to actually seem in my best interest (even if it'll mess everything up)...
And after all these steps - Wow, the relief of a little safety.
In the continuation of this great post, Dov goes back to address the original question on the forum, which was; "is it healthy to use FEAR & sifrei yirah to break free of the addiction?" And like we discussed in Chizuk e-mail #470 on this page, Dov differentiates between two types of "fear", one good and one bad.
It is true that "once an addict, always an addict", but that turns on and off depending on my spiritual state and upon temptations brought on me from the outside, sometimes without warning.
I am allergic to lust. Just like a person with hayfever does not really have "hayfever" until the pollen hits, in recovery we can be in remission and perform just like a normal person (or better). Then something can happen and we need help. Or, we stupidly do something that a normal person can easily tolerate (like look at a little shmutz) and end up losing our days, weeks, months or years of sobriety in an hour, and we can spiral downward to the lowest pit of insanity, to jail or even death. Hey, I've seen it happen, and I've seen it almost happen with me.
So we are incredibly sensitive, even though we are growing healthy in recovery and our avodas Hashem is doing great! So no, I am not safe. Maybe someone out there really is, who knows? But not me.
Is this "Ashrei odom mefacheid tomid"? Well yes, if you understand "mefacheid" as living with the awareness that there is mortal danger on the other side of the curtain. But that's as far as our "fear" should go. As long as we have this "awareness", we need to trust Hashem to help us stay safe from the danger if we do His will for us.
Clearly, everybody knows you cannot drive a car (or a bicycle!) in constant gripping fear of an accident. It's a sure way to get killed actually! So why would avodas Hashem be different? I believe it's not.
In the meantime, after a few years on the bicycle, it seems Hashem has graduates us to a mini-cooper. Never a Volkswagen!
Sorry for the ramble. I hope it is understandable and helpful to somebody...