The Library

A question we received:

When I was young I watched lots of bad things. Later, I became frum and got over the whole thing and married a very nice frum girl and we have a great marriage. But a couple of years after I was married it started to bother me that she was flat-chested and I was remembering all the garbage I used to see and it bothered me. I then started to gaze at other women and started craving it, and that's how I fell back in. I am determined to fix myself and not turn back, but it's so hard not to look at other women. I love my wife and she is very pretty besides for that one thing. I want to stop looking at other women. Let me know what you suggest.

GYE Replies:

Dear friend,

Lust is all a bubble of hot air that quickly bursts. Think about what these body parts really are; packs of skin filled with blood and veins. They are instruments designed by the Creator for feeding babies, like the breasts of a cat or goat or cow... Even if we had it all, we'd feel no better after the act. All the lust goes up in smoke like a balloon that pops in our face.

Most people marry a good looking girl, only to have their wives become over-weight through pregnancy within a year or two... Do we have the right to feel gypped? We need to learn to "grow up" and learn what true love and connection are all about.

Shmiras Aimayim is truly a difficult achievement in today's world. But more than just forcing ourselves "not to look" all the time, we need a change in attitude.

We can learn many techniques, tools and good perspective in our handbook, which can be downloaded on our website (here).

Even if we had everything we could possibly imagine we wanted in our wives, we would still desire other women. As the Pasuk says in Mishlei (9:17): מַיִם גְּנוּבִים יִמְתָּקוּ וְלֶחֶם סְתָרִים יִנְעָם - "Stolen water is sweet and hidden bread is pleasurable".

We will always want that which is hidden, forbidden and not ours...

So how do we channel this pull for the hidden, seductive nature of these desires?

The truth is that our souls are really yearning for Hashem. He is the source of all beauty, pleasure and love. But our animal instincts misinterpret the signals and make us think that women and their body parts are what we really want... Hashem is seductively beautiful and hidden, and He is wanting and waiting for us to reveal Him in the world. As Dovid Hamelech wrote in Tehillim (51:8) הֵן-אֱמֶת חָפַצְתָּ בַטֻּחוֹת; וּבְסָתֻם חָכְמָה תוֹדִיעֵנִי - "Behold you desire truth in the concealed parts; make me know wisdom in the hidden."

On Shavuos there was a wedding, and the Yidden became forever wed with Hakadosh Baruch Hu through the beautiful Torah, which is allegoricly called (Mishlei 5:19) אַיֶּלֶת אֲהָבִים וְיַעֲלַת חֵן - "A lovely hind and a graceful doe". And it says דַּדֶּיהָ יְרַוֻּךָ בְכָל עֵת בְּאַהֲבָתָהּ תִּשְׁגֶּה תָמִיד - "Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; with her love you shall be ravished always".

The two Luchos that we received are compared to breasts in Shir Hashirim (Shnei Shadayich, see Rashi, Perek 4 Pasuk 5). If we immerse ourselves in Hashem's Torah, we will find much more than we "imagined" that we seek body parts of flesh and blood. Hashem gave us the Torah so that we can have a real relationship with Him, which is the greatest pleasure that can ever be reached, even in this world!

This Shavuos, let us try and feel the tremendous love that Hashem showed us by revealing to us his most private and intimate self through His Torah, as the Gemara says (Shabbos 105a): The word "Anochi", the first word of the Aseres Hadibros, stands for אנא נפשי כתבית יהבית - "I, My Soul, Have Written and Given to you".