"JewInProgress" wrote the following to a Marbitz Torah who was beginning recovery in a 12-Step program and wanted to share his addiction with his wife:
When we start working the 12 steps, it's like restarting life. We start to understand that our addiction didn't affect just ourselves, rather everyone around us, be it our wife, kids, siblings, friends, & everyone in between. We start getting filled with remorse & guilt, and we very much want to erase all of it right away. Our natural instinct tells us that the easiest way out would be to 'come clean' with all those people we hurt & tell them that we are actually SICK & not BAD, as they thought all these years when we hurt them. But as we know from the program, that this is not the right thing to do. We hurt them enough through our addiction & we shouldn't hurt them again in the recovery stage. We must take our recovery upon ourselves, together with other group buddies or a sponsor who are willing to carry the burden with us. We can't just throw it on those close to us. That's why we need a group of friends to go through with this the right way.
From speaking to many top-of-the-line therapists in private sessions that I had with them (sex therapists, addictions specialists), all of them said that there is no reason in the world to specify what exactly we did, and we must not tell them that we were real hard core addicts. It will do no good at all, it will just have the opposite reaction.
I had an excuse - being that I was molested as a kid, so I was able to bring this subject up with my wife in a way that didn't put me in such a bad light, although she had many demanding questions like "why didn't you go for help earlier so as not to torture my life so much?" and so on, and she was absolutely right. But I kept on telling her that I didn't put 2 & 2 together myself until recently. Only after consulting with two therapists did I finally break it out to her, and it was very tough. For days & weeks she cried no end, so can you imagine how your wife will react when you tell her that you were a hard core addict? I don't know if you have an 'abuse background' to base it on. If you just break it out to her, you will collapse her world, especially being that you're such a respected Marbitz Torah.
I suggest you consult a Rav or Rebbetzin that know your wife and can guide you in the best way to tell her, and how to explain to her what all these changes going on in your life are. But two things need to happen before that:
#1) You must be clean for a long period of time so your mind can be somewhat clear when talking about these matters, and the change that you're making must have been noticed by your wife. You will see that as you get less selfish & think more of her, she will open up & become a different person, and then you can actually have this discussion.
#2) You need to find either a Rav, Rosh Yeshiva who your wife respects & who is well versed in today's nisyonos, or a therapist if possible, so they can be a little 'eye opener' for your wife.
I hope you have the koach to see this through. It's not easy, I know. I still haven't come fully clean with my wife. She knows that I have nisoynos sometimes, but I didn't go into details about it. I am not planning to ever tell her to what extend an addict I really was, even after being sober for 5 years, unless I see a need for it.
Ask Hashem for siyatta dishmaya & hatzlacha. He always helps us if we mean it sincerely.