Once I indulge in my vice, I transform.
I become cold & unresponsive
Completely dependent on continued escapism.
It becomes as necessary as food.
I think of nothing but escaping.
People, my goals, my ideals, G-d, they all fade away.
My stimulation, my escapism,
I make it my g-d, as I submit to my lust completely.
I become an ardent worshiper of the stimulus.
Once I indulge in my vice.
My brother recommends specifically the support and raw honesty of the face to face meetings and urges me to look up local SLAA meetings or SA meetings, as that was what lead him to sobriety for his addictions (alcohol and drugs). I am nervous though, is this really the best place to go for a lust and escapist addiction?
Dear Eden, Thanks for your deep and heartfelt posts. My experience was that I needed the face-to-face meetings for the reason your brother seems to be implying: There is a unhealthy "cushion" that "virtuality" - even by phone - provided me with.
Many addicts tell the same story. They seem to get a jump-start from getting caught (some do not need it at all, though.) I believe that by inviting (in their cases unintentionally!!) an objective, other, real person into my little world, brings the real me face-to-face with the fake me much more effectively than I ever could on my own. And the two of them need to be forced into the same room in some way, you know.
I don't know how old you are, but this idea reminds me of the two captain Kirks (or the two Dr Whos) from different time dimensions - if they ever met face to face, the universe would rip apart! Anyway, getting caught, or inviting other - safe - people into our world, usually rips that wacky universe apart. And that's good. It seems to be necessary for many of us. Those who really do need it can get it the easy way (joining groups), or the hard way (getting caught)...
Anyhoo, the SA White Book sounds pretty much up your alley (though I now gain more from the big book of AA, myself), and know nothing about SLAA or any other group out there. I'm straight SA, I guess.
Love and happy Chodesh to you and yours, reb Eden!
Dov
P.S. Incidentally, getting caught helped me, but it wasn't until about a year later that I got the help I really needed when I started going to meetings out of my own desperation and surrender. It wasn't pretty, but it worked and is working so far with Hashem's help. (Editor: 11.5 years!)