Q. I am looking for strategies to help me. A bit of background: I have been clean now for 58 days, in large part thanks to my discovery of this site. The strategies & Chizuk from this site have been invaluable. This length of time is a very big accomplishment for me.
My problem is that I feel that I am investing so much effort in this struggle (which is not getting easier over time) I have LESS energy and inclination for learning. I would have expected for the struggle to ease & to feel more kedusha, not less. I feel like perhaps I am running a marathon with no end in sight and my resolve is weakening. Is this normal? Advice anyone?
A. As far as the struggle being difficult, the 12-Steps teach us surrender to Hashem. Those who work the 12-Steps into their lives find that they don’t need to "struggle" so valiently, it becomes easy if you only learn the right attitude. So join Duvid Chaim’s 12-Step group this week (4 X a week), or at at least one of the other 12 Step phone groups (which are only once a week). See this page for info on our anonymous phone groups.
Just do yours and Hashem will do His.
Know that the first 90 days are the toughest; afterwards, you break the addictive pattern and it gets much easier! But this is only if you can keep a 90 day streak with no falls! So sweat it out; it’s well worth it!
As far as having "less energy for learning", the pasuk says: Es La’asos La’Hashem, Hefeiru Torasecha... Any Gadol you ask will tell you that healing from this "spiritual cancer" is more important than anything else. Don’t let your Yetzer hara dress up in Chassidish clothes with a beard and payos and tell you that if you wouldn’t be struggling with this so much you’d have more energy to learn and daven! This area is the YESOD of a Jew. If the Yesod is strong, you can then build Torah and teffilah on top of it into a great big building. But if the "foundation" is weak, all the Torah and mitzvos is in grave danger of crashing down.
As far as feeling "less kedusha" that is not unusual. Hashem is testing your sincerity. Are you doing this because it "feels" good to be clean and close to Hashem, or because it’s the right thing to do and what Hashem wants? This is the moment of truth for you.
Three tips:
– Daven to Hashem to help you "feel" him more.
– Know that what you accomplish when you DON’T feel Hashem, is much greater than when you do.
– Focus on the greatness of Hashem and you will be able to find joy in your service of Him, even though it feels dark…
See this page for more discussion on this very question.