The Library

Q: I'm 21. I don't masturbate or watch porn but I find girls tantalizing. Being shomer negiah, there isn't any release, and I'd like to be able to interact with girls without being a creep/perv. What can I do?

GYE Responds:

The fact you don't masturbate or watch porn is a great thing, you should be proud of yourself.

The fact that you find girls tantalizing is a testimony to Hashem's great kindness wisdom in creating the world in such a way that men desire women, marry and populate the earth.

He only asks us not to abuse this kindness, and instead use it for what it is intended for.

You say you want to be able to interact with girls without being a creep/perv. Well, there's a simple solution to that. Marry one!

To quote Rabbi Avigdor Miller zatza"l:

There's nothing to see in girls. It's only your imagination. And the way to get rid of your imagination, is to marry the girl. Marry the girl, and you won't look at her in that way anymore. And that proves that it's all imagination. It's nothing at all. It's just a דמיון - an imagination running wild. Rav Yisroel Salanter said that imagination is our greatest enemy. It makes us think of nothing like it's something. But it's nothing at all.

If you accept upon yourself to guard your eyes and not look lustfully at girls or women, it will be hard at first but it will free you from the torture that you put yourself through when you look. As the pasuk says והיית משוגע ממראה עיניך אשר תראה.

But it will only work if you accept this on yourself as something you do even when you don't understand why, even when you don't feel inspired, even when every cell in you wants to look. You must accept this as something you do without thought, against your will. It will be bitter at first, but so sweet afterwards. And that is the true meaning of Yiras Shamayim. Accepting the yoke of Heaven regardless of what we feel.

Looking just brings us pain and more pain. Let's accept the pain of NOT LOOKING, which brings all the bracha and shefa down to us.